Death is not enough for your stupidity!

Touch this and die. Then we're going to fine your lifeless ass...

The joke's on you!

Tomorrow is April 1st and you know what that means.....

Check out this list of the Top 100 April Fool's Day Hoaxes of all time.

I'll tell you why I went through the red light officer...

Panhandlers are an creative bunch. The latest generation have come up with an innovative venue to solicit for funds - standing on the median between both sides of a road at a traffic light. This gives them convenient access to drivers in their cars while they're stopped at red lights. Wonderful. It's bad enough we have to deal with this kind of solicitation on sidewalks downtown, or in mall or grocery store parking lots. Now I have to deal with this at the damned stop light? May the bumpers of a thousand Dodge Ram trucks (with a hemi) leave imprints on your backpacks.

Maybe I'm just stereotyping and the number of people stuck in Calgary on the way to (wherever) with no money for the bus (or food, or coffee, or a hotel) has reached epidemic proportions...

X marks the spot

How mismatched does your signature have to be before someone notices? A lot apparently....

Silent rave

The Glastonbury music festival in the UK will apparently get around a late-night ban on loud bass by handing wireless headphones out to the attendees, producing a silent rave. Pretty good idea....

Just for a moment, I want you to try and visualize this. You walk in and see several thousand people dancing in complete silence. Would that not look goofy or what?

The fall of Canadian civilization

So the Canadian federal government is actually considering the idea of red light districts to reign in some of the problems with prostitution. The Netherlands have had theirs since1815. Maybe that's what put the 'nether' in Netherlands? Heh. Anyway, Japan had these areas in place back in the 17th century. Gee, we're only a little behind the times, eh?

But what's next? Now we're talking about de-criminalizing marijuana. Soon, cats will be sleeping with dogs - it'll be mass hysteria!

Confessions of a geek

There was a time when I looked upon people who owned PDAs with disdain envy. Of course I never admitted that - but I never truly understood how it could be more than just a toy. Well those days are OVER!

I have delved deeper into the realm of geekdom (say that 10 times real fast...) and bought my very own Palm Tungsten E. Why? Well, I got tired of (sorting through / carrying around / keeping track of) the 500 pieces of scrap paper with notes, grocery lists, to do lists, details of products we are considering buying and/or the dimensions these products have to fit into - all 10+ versions of each. Enter the PDA. OMG! If there was a way I could surgically implant this thing into my arm, I would. Between the contacts, lists, notes in freehand, pictures, appointments, maps and other stuff I can keep current in it, I actually feel organized like never before. It even understands my writing and that's incredible.

BTW, it's not a PDA - it's a 'memory enhancement tool'. Would you believe an 'organizational assistance device'? OK, OK - it's a frigging toy! A very useful toy....

Homemade cartoons 6.1

Crop circles - without the crops!

See more.

Clever - useless, but clever

A silly LiveJournal experiment involves turning a song's lyrics into a list has spawned several dozen posts in which enterprising users do the same to their favorite songs. My fave so far:

• Things across which Daddy has flown:
  • the ocean
  
  
• Things which Daddy has left behind for me:
  • a memory
  • unknown
  
  
• Things which we don't need:
  • no education
    
  • no thought control
    
  • no dark sarcasm in the classroom
  
  
• Conditions in which teachers are requested to leave them/us kids:
  • alone
  
  
• Things the having of which is dependent upon the eating of meat:
  • pudding
  
  
• Things which I don't need:
  • no arms around me
  • no drugs to calm me
  • anything at all
  
  
• Things which I have seen:
  • the writing on the wall
  
  
• Things which, all in all, are or were just bricks in the wall:
  • it
  • you

Homemade cartoons fünf

Happy Easter everyone. Since I can't come over to each of your homes and deliver some treats, let me leave you with this Easter wish. Yeah, I know there's nothing about wishes on Easter - just work with me!

I have one wish for everyone - that all of the obstacles we put in front of ourselves towards achieving our goals/dreams fade away. Whatever those obstacles may be - psychological, cultural, financial, emotional - whatever the case may be. That's my wish. Make your dreams come true.

That's really sexy, Jay

Ladies, this is just another example of what can happen when you purposely do not talk to a guy at a party. They get bored. Then they dream up ridiculous things to do with ordinary objects and various parts of their body. It is an obviously fruitless attempt to attract the female of the species. So for the sake of the continued perpetuation of homo sapiens - just talk to the guy!

OK, now that I've thought about it some more - never mind.....

Is it the real thing?

This is a pavement drawing folks. Seriously!

That tickles!

Here's a video of Tigger having his way with Elmo (with sound - it sounds even weirder than it looks). They both sound like they're enjoying themselves an awful lot. But now I'm confused. Is Elmo a girl? Are Tigger and Elmo gay?! What's going on?!

Stolen directly from BoingBoing

E-mail programs - be gone!

No matter what e-mail program you use, you've probably wondered what the competition works like. Between Outlook, Outlook Express, Eudora, Thunderbird and all the others, there are a lot of programs to choose from for accessing and managing your messages.

I've tried them all and they all share (IMHO) the same huge flaws. For one, if you need to back up your collected e-mail addresses or archived messages, it's not always an easy task. Second, practically every program has documented security flaws, that allow for everything from malicious scripts being allowed to run inside of messages, web links to be followed without question, etc. Third, if you use an e-mail program on your computer to check and read your messages, you often are prevented from viewing those same messages anywhere else, because they reside on your PC once you download them.

I have finally freed myself of these applications and rely solely on webmail. Even if your e-mail account is from your Internet provider, they likely have a webmail interface. This means all you need is a browser, your username and password to access your e-mail from anywhere, just like Hotmail. And the best part is the messages stay on the server, where they are less likely to damage your computer. The only people who might have a problem with this arrangement are those who must archive all messages they've received - even after they're read. Your ISP's mail server may not have room for every message you'll store - but there's a solution for that too: GMail. Just get a Google mail account, which has 1GB storage. Any messages you want archived, just forward them there.

Then there's the matter of where do you store your needed e-mail addresses. Simple. In an Excel spreadsheet. It's not quite as convenient as using a program's built-in address book, but you'll always know where they are, how to back them up and viruses will not be able to use your contacts as destinations for copies of themselves.

Put your money where your mouth is....

I'm going to go out on a limb here with a message to all those people out there who want to save Terri Schiavo's life. Are you also prepared to help pay the 15 years of hospital and health care bills and any ongoing costs if she is kept alive? Are you going to regularly visit Terri at her bedside for the next however many years, even though she will not even acknowledge you're there ?

Update: Yeah, I know - how brazen of me. I just got really pissed off hearing all these accusations flying when very few people ever really took the time to find out the whole story. 15 years this poor woman has been in a vegetative state. Her husband has been making sacrifices all this time and now that he's made this courageous decision, the whole world wants a piece of his ass. Such a shame, really.

You're so cute!

I've been seeing more and more of these cool little 'smart' cars around. They're all the rage in Europe, where space and cheap fuel are both at a premium. Here, they may take a while to catch on, but getting around 63mpg highway or even 51mpg city is something to get excited about. The only thing I wish they would get over is this thing car makers still have with diesel.

Homemade cartoons quatro

Speaking of dancing....

Who's brilliantly dumb-turned-genious idea was it to use a gecko for Geico Insurance? Anyway, check out their cool commercial videos.

Booger nuggets!

After reading a post on another blog, I decided to dig right into this topic as it's one close to my....uhh....nose. I have to admit right up front, I am guilty of being a practiser of this activity. I cannot help myself! It's all I can do to keep my finger out of there - but not for the reason you think. I seem to have an excess of nostril hair. There - I said it. It drives me crazy I tell you. It's itchy as hell and I often find myself trying to pick the excess hairs (the ones I can reach) out for relief. Unfortunately, to the untrained observer, it still looks like I'm mining for booger nuggets. It's a burden I'll probably have to live with for the rest of my life.

Thanks to Bacon and Eh's for starting this topic.

Dance monkeys!

It's a little rough around the edges, but this flash cartoon is clever anyway.

To boldly go where I've never gone - yet

There's talk of a new Star Trek movie due in 2007 that will be grittier and have no existing characters from any previous Trek series. I have only one thing to say - pick me! I'll play the captain! OK, I'll play any male character (that doesn't die in the first 5 minutes).

More observations from the BC trip

I just realized that there was another incident worth reporting. I was waiting in the lobby of the hotel we were staying at and I watched while this young lad walked past my car. He stopped right in front of it and looked at his dad, motioning toward the AC plug sticking out of the front of my car - with a look that indicated that he had no idea what such a plugs' purpose would be. "Is this an electric car?" he probably mused in a vain attempt to make sense of this vehicular anomaly.

Of course, that's when it dawned on me that the poor kid had probably never seen a block heater cord before.....

Submit your caption

Write a caption for this photo. Send your entries via the comments.

OK, maybe that isn't a good idea......

Homemade cartoons trois

Homemade cartoons deux

Heh.

And keep your eyes off my fries too....

An argument over a hamburger escalated to a fight that left one twin brother dead of a gunshot wound and the other indicted Thursday on a manslaughter charge, a Baton Rouge Louisiana prosecutor said. Manslaughter carries a sentence of up to 40 years in prison. James Booker had asked his brother to get him a hamburger. He decided that his brother, a security guard, had taken too long to return with the hamburger, and that led to an argument. A police affidavit says the argument escalated into a physical confrontation and ended up with both men brandishing pistols. The father of the men heard a gunshot and ran to the kitchen where he saw Jermaine Booker holding his brother and yelling for someone to call 911, the affidavit says.

I guess those Big Bacon Classics are better than I thought.

Homemade cartoons

I think I'm gonna have fun with this...

Home again home again...

Well I just got back from a very quick trip to the Fraser Valley in BC. It was a little weird to see the leaves coming out on their trees already.

People - I hath found paradise and its name is Abbottsford BC. In a time when I'm seeing 85 cent per litre gasoline, Abbottsford has it at 68 cents. What's weird is that just down the road toward Vancouver, the price is 95ish. I just don't get it...

While watching TV there, I saw this news item: A marijuana grow op was discovered on Vancouver Island. Give me a break! This is news? Heh.

You know - it rained like there was no tomorrow. I swear BC must be the only place in Canada where whisps of clouds seem to float mere feet above the ground (at almost sea level!)

On the way back we saw signs that read "do not pass" - made me wanna tack "go" to the bottom.

Day in the life of Darth Vader

Excerpt from the story:

Wife: Why don’t you go let the dog out? And make sure the gate is closed!

Vader: Escape is not his plan. I must face him. Alone.

There are some people with far too much time on their hands. Not that there's anything wrong with that.....

You're not very bright - are you?

Law enforcement officers are searching tonight for Larry Dewayne Colvin, 31 who escaped from jail just hours before his release time.

He escaped from the Buncombe Correctional Center, a minimum custody state facility in Woodfin, about 8 a.m. today, said Clifford Johnson, superintendent of the Buncombe Correctional Center.

Now you know why they called you "Larry".....

When you want something done right.....

A Prattville woman was charged with planting nude images of her child in her ex-husband's home, just one day after police accused her of conspiring to kill the man over a custody dispute.

"This is definitely not the way to resolve a custody dispute," District Attorney Randall Houston said. "She didn't want to share custody, for whatever reason. Now she's looking at some serious stuff here. I'm happy nobody's dead."

She faces a maximum of more than three life sentences if convicted and more charges may be filed within the next few days.

She is accused of trying to hire an undercover FBI agent to kill her ex-husband, Houston said. "You just can't trust these hired killers. You never know when they're FBI agents."

What I want to know is - how exactly do you go about 'looking' for a hired killer? Like are they in the frickin' yellow pages in the US or what?

Another recipe ruined

When will they ever learn? US network TV messed up again - this time by producing an Americanized version of the hit UK series "The Office". They could have done everyone a big favour and just aired the original series. If they'd be too afraid that Americans wouldn't understand the lingo, they could've made little intro episodes explaining stuff. Although I think network TV doesn't give their audience the credit they deserve. Wow, did I just say that? Heh.

This is your brain on really bad drugs...

If you need any proof that the 60's were saturated with drug use, look no further than the lyrics of some hit tunes of the day. For example, these are actual lyrics from the song Good Morning Starshine by Oliver (if this sounds familiar, it's from the Broadway musical "Hair"):

Gliddy glub gloopy
Nibby nabby noopy
La la la lo lo
Sabba sibby sabba
Nooby abba nabba
Le le lo lo
Tooby ooby walla
Nooby abba naba
Early morning singing song

I double dog dare ya to sing along to that in the office or what-have-you......

Britney pissed off at all the attention

Poor baby:

Britney Spears says she has taken a vow of silence after being stung by a magazine interview. She will no longer discuss her personal life with the media after Allure magazine branded her "hardly more grown-up than many pre-teens". She wrote: "I feel the article focused too much on my personal life and events from my past which I've already dealt with and have fully moved on." She added on her website: "In the future, I will refrain from discussing my private life in interviews. It will be expressed solely through art."

Britney expressing herself only through her 'art'. Hmmm. Let's use this lyric as an example:

Baby, don’t you wanna, dance upon me,
(are you ready)
Leaving behind my name, my age.

Yeah that's a better idea Britney. But seriously, I'm going to predict right now that she won't last a month before she's got her publicist booking her a chat with Maxim or somebody.

Notes from the road

Well, winter has raised its ugly head just as we thought it might be gone - or at the very least sulking in the basement. I'm in the sprawling city town of Wainwright Alberta - a town so small it doesn't even have its own Tim Horton's Donut shop. What's up with that? More amazingly, it has its own public Internet access (for a mere $4 an hour) - witness my ability to post this entry today. I outran a major snowstorm to get here and now am just killing time until my reason for being here tomorrow morning. Which I guess brings me to my point:

I am really hoping and looking forward to the day when we can 'fly' where we need to go using a designed-for-the-consumer, van-sized aircraft. Popular Science has been touting this kind of technology as being 'just around the corner' for years, with highways in the sky created for programmable auto-pilot controlled trips to the destination of your choice. This is something I sure could use in a part of our country where the places to go are separated by vast distances and snooze-inducing scenery (besides the glorious Rockies). I know I will be spending 42+ hours on the road over a 2 week period and I'd much rather be soaring over the landscape at 300+km/h. And I'm also aware that there are people (in the oil patch for example) who spend even more ridiculous amounts of time on the roads who would appreciate this option too.

Honda - I'm looking to you to surprise us and pull this off. You now build planes and this is just the next logical stage of our commuting evolution.

Schedule 2 - Blog 0

Posts are going to be scarce until about the 23rd. Between a return business trip and a much anticipated holiday, I'm going to be indisposed. See you all on the flip side.

They're sacri-licious!

For centuries, Danish churchgoers have received the body of Christ in the form of a small, bland communion wafer. Now, ninety master bakers from the island of Funen have taken up the challenge to experiment with new recipes for the holy flesh.

‘We have never tried anything like this before,’ Svendborg baker Gerner Pedersen said. ‘It’s very exciting. I think I will go for a baguette made out of a mixture of wheat and rye flour. That would give a good, strong taste of bread.’

Copenhagen deacon Finn Laugesen said he wished the bakers all the best. ‘But for as long as I have been responsible for the communion wafers, I’ve gone for the most neutral taste I could find,’ he said. ‘After all, the bread should symbolize the body of Jesus, and the wafer shouldn’t be getting all the attention. Just imagine if the pastor at the altar would say ‘This is the body of Jesus Christ. Would you like that with chocolate, vanilla or strawberry taste?’

Discuss.....

Which way to LA Jose?

Leave it to those wily Japanese to come up with the latest freaked-out fashion trend (as if cosplay wasn't enough).

Ganguro, is a fashion trend among Japanese girls. The basic look is bleached-blond hair perms and a deep tan. The intent is to produce the tanned, blond California beach girl look. It's the California beach girl look without the bikini. It goes against the grain of the usual Japanese standard of female beauty, which calls for skin as white as possible. The centerpiece of their street costume is 15-cm (6-inch) or higher platform shoes or sandals that makes them tower over the average Japanese. It lets them "look down" on the world or to have the world "look up" to them. They also have a loud, gregarious way of talking and laughing.

What's next? J-Lo wannabes with pads stuffed down their pants to mimic the 'baby got back' look?

Things Canadians can do that Americans cannot

• Sing songs about Kraft Dinner (Americans only know it as Kraft Macaroni and Cheese)
• Get regular airplay for a band called the Barenaked Ladies
  
• Vacation in Cuba (legally)
  
• Get drunk on fewer beers (can you say 5% alcohol by volume?)
  
• Eliminate deficits
• Get free health care
• Advance the cause of legalizing marijuana (we're almost there...)
  
• Get by with a military numbering fewer than 75,000 members
• Understand what 'zed' means (as opposed to 'zee')
• Elect a liberal government - often!
  
• Keep the peace (Canadians are reknowned peacekeepers)
• Export most of their talent
• Eat Alberta beef (and we love it too)
  
• Not pay tax on lottery winnings - Boo Yah!
  
• Free hostages (remember Iran?)
• Marry gays and lesbians
• Pay $1.08 for a litre of gasoline (that's over $4 a gallon)
• Travel the world unnoticed
• Enter a school without passing through metal detectors
• Subsist on donuts (Tim Horton's thank you very much)
  
• Order 'french' fries
• Have trouble finding a passenger train to travel somewhere
• Fend off grizzly bears (Troy Hurtubise - remember the suit?)
• Build a shopping mall with more working submarines than its own navy (West Edmonton)
• Rig the olympic hockey games with a hidden Loonie coin at center ice
• Expect snow in May
  
• Come up with a couple of guys like Bob and Doug McKenzie - eh?

OK - some of these are generalizations and some are even outright untrue, but whatever....eh? Feel free to add to the list via comments.

Hot diggity dog!

A friend on a forum I belong to started a thread on hot dogs. Well, as I was adding my two cents I realized it would make a good post on here. I loves me some hot dogs, that's for sure. But two very particular kinds:

The homemade variety have to be cooked on the BBQ until the skin is crispy but not quite burnt. The bun has to be fresh and not too big as to overpower the dog - I do not want to taste too much bun dude. All you need after that is a little yellow lovin' - that's right, some good ol' mustard. You can have your cheese, your relish, your pickle - but sometimes you just wanna leave all that stuff out and taste some doggy goodness.

The bought variety has to be from the 'Montreal Pool Hall' on Boulevard St. Laurent, just off Ste. Catherine's. Their 'steamy' is the standard by which all other 'Casse Croutes' are measured. I'm talkin' Hygrade brand dogs that have been simmering in the steamer for hours, loaded into buns that have just enough room left over for the fixins. Specifically - mustard, relish, chopped onion and cole slaw - that's what we call an 'All Dressed' in Montreal. Two of those with an order of home-cut fries, washed down with a glass bottle of Coca Cola and you can honestly say you've lived.

So what's your favourite hot dog?