Pffrrrrrt!

Based on the testimony of people I've spoken with, women seem to have a problem with......how shall we say.....audible bodily functions. In my experience, men have no issue with making their presence known (in an audible way) in a public bathroom. Doesn't seem too surprising, right? But I've been told that women have a real problem with being 'heard' while engaged in bathroom related activities - and will go out of their way to take measures to prevent anyone from hearing what they're up to.

I find that amusing.

Play

Check out this brilliant flash animation by Dustball. Trust me - it's neat.

Psst...wanna buy a watch?

I have a thing for watches. I don't know why - maybe I was a watch maker in a previous life. I can't get past a watch counter in a department store without looking. Now they sell watches in kiosks in the mall passageways. Not good. It's like putting snacks on the route to the dairy section in the grocery store.

Beam me up Scotty!

So, I'm back from my trip as you can see. I was picked up by aliens and they took me to their mothership so I could teach them about various Earth customs. Not to worry, there were no anal probes or anything like that - that I know of. They tried to duplicate the kind of food I am used to, but they failed miserably. It took two and a half hours to get supper served last night! I was gracious anyway, fearing that if I said anything I might not make it home enjoying the same air of friendliness that I experienced during my abduction err....departure. The beds were OK. They got every TV channel imaginable though - that was cool. The 'alien' hot tub looked a little gross, so I passed. I don't know what it is, but alien shower water pressure leaves a lot to be desired. My pee stream is stronger.

OK, none of the alien part was true. But it sure sounded a lot more exciting than what actually happened....

New word

homortified - The uncomfortable feeling straight men have when they're watching porn and are momentarily turned on by the wrong ass.

Stolen from CHUCK LORRE

Shockingly funny

I'm really enjoying some of the clever and humourous commercials I've been seeing on TV lately. And my current fave is the new Dairy Queen Moo-latte. You know the one where this woman is a test subject to drink the Moo-latte and every time she tries to grab the drink, she gets shocked with electricity. In the end, two scientists are missing, the lights have gone out, the drink is empty and she gasps a puff of smoke out of her mouth. Nice work.

No more speed I'm almost there...

I have to go out of town on business for a few days, so there likely won't be any posts til I get back.

In the meantime, here's a poll for my loyal fandom of 3 or 4 - you know who you are....

What is your favourite lyric from a song? I have so many, but one of mine is "we can't even think of a word that rhymes." Post your contenders in the comments and we'll see you soon.

Take out the 'r', put the 'e' on the end...spells hate

You know - I like weird movies. I really do. I liked Mulholland Drive and Eyes Wide Shut. And not just for the reason you're thinking. I liked Smoke and Solaris. Ditto for The Big Lebowski. So I'm definately up for a viewing of a good, unique flick.

Enter "I Heart Huckabees". What the hell was that!!??

C'est fantastique

In France, it is the law to get 5 weeks of paid vacation once you've been a full-time worker for at least a year.

Dream career

Darlene and I have an idea for employment. We have stayed at a lot of hotels over the years. I mean Darlene is the queen of hotels. She gets us into 5 star rooms at 2 star prices, dude. We'll even elect to stay in a hotel if we're visiting family. So I wouldn't be stretching the truth if I said 'we know hotels'. So here's the plan: we'd like to become one of those secret quality assurance people who stay in your hotel, pig out on room service sample the food, laze around assess the pool, jump on test the bed, enjoy the view observe the cleanliness of the windows, harrass be finnicky with the front desk staff... You would pay us....we would report to you on how our vacation the stay went.

Hyatt? Four Seasons? Are you listening?

They should print these as gags

National Lampoon's most excellent send-up of children's books.

Thanks to Bacon and Eh's.

What a concept....

Why can't StarBucks have something like this in their own stores? A list that explains what's in each item on their drink menu.

A question for our youth...

When I was a kid, I did not like my parent's taste in music. They were listening to stuff that came out 20-30 years before. The thing is - fast forward to today, the same age group are listening to their own new stuff to be sure, but they're also listening to the same stuff I was raised on. From 20-30 years ago. So what I'd like to know from our youth is - are you really digging that old stuff, or are you just trying to figure out why we're so messed up?

Don't be afraid

Once in a while I'd like to post a computer-related tip. I have no intention of turning this into a computer blog, nor will this blog be inundated with computer stuff. There are just some things about computers that I feel I have an obligation to share with the world. So anyway....

Has all the talk about Linux (that 'other' operating system) got you curious? Even a tiny bit? You're scared because you know nothing about it. "It's free, so it can't be that good." There is a way to satisfy that curiosity and nothing on your computer will be affected in any way. It's called Knoppix. Knoppix is a 'live CD'. That means you can boot from Knoppix on a CD, it will load itself (slowly, because it's decompressing on the fly) and run instantly on your computer. It won't load onto your hard drive. It won't touch Windows. You boot from this CD, play around, quit, take the CD out, reboot and nobody's the wiser. The best part? It works. Internet connectivity by the time you get to a desktop. Afraid it won't detect all your hardware? Prove the pundits wrong - this thing rocks. It's a 700MB download, so you may want to do that overnight. I'll tell you this much - every person I've introduced to this Knoppix has continued to play with it and is pleasantly surprised by how much stuff is built right in.

Selling candy to a dieter

Darlene and I were joking about how dieters could justify the snacks they were eating. For example:

Aero - "It's full of bubbles! Bubbles are air......therefore - half the calories!"
Licorice - "It's got tons of iron - and iron is good for you!"
Apple chips - "They're not really chips - they're fruit!"
Chocolate - "It's got vitamin C - and it stops me from killing you...."
Peanut butter cups - "Can you say potassium?"

DJ Thumb

Bloody cute video of a DJ. OK - it's really a hand puppet.

Friends calling friends out

Check out this marvelous letter from former Canadian Minister of Foreign Affairs Lloyd Axworthy to the new US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. My favourite part follows:

Why not discuss these issues with Canadians who understand them, and seek out ways to better cooperate in areas where we agree -- and agree to respect each other's views when we disagree.

Above all, ignore the Cassandras who deride the state of our relations because of one missile-defence decision. Accept that, as a friend on your border, we will offer a different, independent point of view. And that there are times when truth must speak to power.

Comes with mouse bling

What the MS Word package would look like if run through Gizoogle.

Too F-U-Double-Nizzy fo` words, dawg

Translate a web site or any text of your choice into Snoop Dogg with Gizoogle.

Most humble and gracious kudos to Jon for telling me about this...

This could be the next Office Space script...

This ad-hoc cartoon created with office clip-art is notable for its superfluous use of curse words - but damn it's funny!

Cell phone security

Number one on the list of things cell phone users should do to enhance security:

1. Never give your number to Paris Hilton.

Elevator party

How would you react if you went to catch the elevator and this happened?

Michael Bolton??!

If you've seen the movie Office Space, you'll really get a kick out of this video mash-up done with it's audio track sync'ed to some footage from Super Friends.

Ground crew humour

I don't even know if this is true - but even if it isn't, it's still funny:

After every flight Qantas pilots fill out a form, which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form and then pilots review them before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers:

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're for.
P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.
P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.

CSI Tsuu T'ina?

The Tsuu T'ina Police Service is getting its own forensics lab which, when complete, will be only the second First Nation crime lab in Western Canada. The lab will be located in the basement of the police station at a cost of $60-thousand. Tsuu T'ina Police Chief Stan Grier says the lab will make his department more effective at solving crime. He says that he expects the lab will also examine evidence from crime scenes on other First Nation lands in Alberta.

Sgt. Garry Weimer is overseeing the project. He will be responsible for training six officers in the basics of crime scene investigation and evidence collection. They will also receive additional training on how to deliver witty one-liners upon arriving to any crime scene, and the five ways to leave the scene by dramatically putting on their sunglasses.

Thanks E!

TV minus crime equals nothing

So we've got 3 CSI series now, and along comes Law and Order 'Trial by Jury' to go along with the other 2 Law and Order franchises. What with Navy NCIS, JAG, Monk, NYPD Blue and Third Watch - it seems to be all about crime these days.

Gee, I wonder what's on the minds of American TV viewers these days....

What a beach!

Anyone who lives or has been to Southern California - Darlene and I are going in June and want to know your fave beach there. We're thinking of visiting Laguna beach, Newport beach, Morro Bay and maybe a few others. We've already been to Malibu.

You don't snooze - you lose!

So, I'm guessin' that Jamie Foxx must have not gotten to bed last night - 'cause his grandmother was visiting with me in my dreams (you had to catch his Oscar acceptance speech to get that one).

I'd like to thank dog....I mean God!!

I guess the people who run the Academy Awards try to make things more interesting when there's talk about people losing interest in award shows. First, they got Chris Rock to host - gutsy. Then I notice that they're giving out awards all over the theatre. At one point, I thought they were gonna throw the statue from the balcony with the presenter to the balcony where the nominees were.

Here's to Jamie Foxx - the one person I really wanted to win....

What's up doc?

From what I can tell, there's a real doctor crisis in our country. There are nowhere near enough family doctors to go around - most people I know don't have one or are on a waiting list to get one. This is one of the reasons why leaving my last doctor was such a hard decision.

The federal goverment says it doesn't understand what the problem is - there are plenty of graduates coming out of medical schools. Yet rural places like Geraldton Ontario are about to lose most, if not all their doctors - despite offering salaries up to $400,000 a year with eight months of vacation. The government's solution in one case is to stop allowing doctors to set up practise in big cities until the rural vacancies are filled. In Montreal for example, it's estimated that some 300,000 people are looking for a doctor - which would justify 342 new physicians. But the government would only allow 5 new doctors to set up practise.

Meanwhile, we have immigrating health professionals entering our country, driving cabs for a living - because our laws won't recognize their qualifications and force them to go back to school before they can be certified.

I think it's time to pressure our political representatives to do something about this.