Last one, I promise

 

Anti-Russian Amazon

 

Anti-Russian Spotify

 

Anti-Russian eBay

 

Small things 25 March

• The date on top of the milk carton - the spoiler alert
• In an alternate universe, Oprah is Pope and we call her Poprah.
• When I was young, we couldn't take the phone everywhere, but at least we always knew where it was. On the wall, in the kitchen.
• That point in the 3 little pigs story when the wolf pays the Kool-Aid pitcher dude to bust through the pigs' wall.....
• In a parallel universe, when the humans want to be fed, they stick their butts in the cat's face to get them up.
• You can't say your salary is competitive if you don't even say what it is. Who are you competing against? Another company who offers a competitive salary who won't say what it is?
• Sometimes the only thing separating you from certain death at 100 km/h is a painted white line and a mutual agreement not to play bumper cars.
• The name's Bond. Ionic bond. Taken, not shared...
• Koala farts smell like cough drops. Think about it...
• The best way to annoy a sibling is to play a game of Risk with them.

Geo-quiz! It's been a while...

This is Canada's

 most _________ ____________ . 

Fill in the blanks!

You suck at cooking

There's this absolutely hilarious cooking YouTube channel called You suck at cooking. Did I mention that it's hilarious. The guy who creates the videos has these regular bits. You'll start to recognize them if you watch more than one video.

But just as an example, in a video about making lasagna, he says, 

"Lasagna. Also known as stacked pizza. Also known as flat layered spaghetti and smashed meatballs. Also known as pizza casserole. Also known as savoury rice krispie squares. Also known as pasta brownies."

See what I mean? Just go watch already!

Anti-Russian Heineken

 

Anti-Russian Visa

 

Anti-Russian Netflix

 

Things I learned lately 25 March

• Illinois, New York, New Jersey and New Hampshire are the states where their demographic is most similar to the national US demographic. The national demographic is 60.6% White; 18.1% Hispanic; 12.3% Black; 5.5% Asian; and 0.7% American Indian.
• The legal drinking age in most of Europe is 18.
• If the US's wealth were distributed equally, the average person would be 6 times wealthier. In Russia, it would be 7 times. In Canada, it would be 2 times.
• Texas is already the top wind power producer in the US and is on pace to become number 1 in solar power in a few years. Texas.
• Alberta was planning to move traffic tickets from court to an online challenge system that would cost $150 to dispute a ticket. Thankfully, they have scrapped the idea.
• Alberta now has feral pigs.
• Donaudampfschiffahrtselektrizitätenhauptbetriebswerkbauunterbeamtengesellschaft. It's the longest German word and it translates to "Danube steamship company captain".
• Apparently over-ripe banana slices with a bit of sugar sprinkled on them are really nice roasted over a campfire instead of marshmallows.
• There are people online actually complaining that the President of Ukraine should at least wear a suit when addressing people on the air.

Conditioner Gordon

 

Small things 18 March

• You know you're going to have a bad day when your credit card is frozen due to suspicious activity and it was just you buying dumb stuff at 3am.
• No matter where you go, there you are.
• The real danger of wearing headphones in public - your silent farts... aren't.
• How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank coffee before it was cool.
• We are not human beings on a spiritual trip, we are spiritual beings on a human trip.
• Isn't it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and one hand that goes "I don't know how to hold a pencil!"
• Album title: Guitardigrade
• The worst part about parallel parking are the witnesses.
• You do realize that a croque monsieur literally means 'mister bites'? And is just a grilled ham and cheese sandwich?
• When someone says they're considering having more kids, remind them they'll have to listen to "I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map....." all over again.

[baby thoughts] My mom thinks spoons sound like an airplane....

Facebarking: When your Facebook profile picture is of your dog.

Sometimes I just want to run up to a stranger and say "YOU'RE IT!!" and then run away.

Then I says "Who's king of the beasts now?"

 

One in nine a lie

One of the latest memes is "List 5 famous people you've either met or been within a few feet of, but one of them is a lie."

Guess which one is the lie.

[I'll list 9. Still one is a lie.]

• Kim Mitchell (musician)
• John Candy (actor)
• Liona Boyd (classical guitarist)
• Harrison Ford (actor)
• Justin Trudeau (PM)
• Andrew Phung (actor)
• John Cena (actor)
• Kevin Pollak (actor)
• George Burns (comedian)

Clearly it's an odd number of boxes, therefore they are not 'double stacked'

 

Things I learned lately 18 March

• There's a feature in Google Maps that's been there a while, but many users probably don't give it a second look. It's called Plus Codes. Plus codes represent the exact geographical location of a spot and the code can be input into Google Maps to navigate right to that spot. You may have noticed that a lot of businesses on Google Maps have one. They are also handy for navigating to places that don't have an address. Or imagine this situation. You're parked somewhere off a highway and you want someone to come to your location. Open Google Maps, tap the blue dot representing your location, tap the Plus Code and paste it into an email or text. The recipient can put that code as their destination and Maps will guide them there. For example, Rocky's Burger Bus's Plus Code is 2XJ8+42, Calgary. Just sayin'.
  
  
  
• Before 1491 and the coinciding exploration of the New World, beans, corn, potatoes, squash, chili, cacao, tomatoes and vanilla were only found in the Americas.
• Elton John wore (someone else's) prescription glasses when he was 13 to imitate Buddy Holly. After 8 months, this damaged his eyesight and he needed an actual prescription to compensate.
• Coyote calls (howls and yipping) serve both to let one pack know where another pack is and as a form of birth control. If a pack rarely hears the howl of another pack on the wind, they'll have more babies. If they hear frequent calls, they'll have fewer babies since the resident population is fairly well balanced and resources may be more scarce in the area.
• There's a full-scale Styrofoam replica of Stonehenge located in Virginia called Foamhenge.
• You can't fool a breathalyzer test by chewing gum or eating mints. The alcohol vapors don't come from your stomach, but come from your blood and are diffused through the surface area of your lungs as you exhale.
• In America, an unidentified person is called John/Jane Doe. In France, they're named Jean Dupont. In Germany, they're named Max/Erika Mustermann. In Denmark, they're named Anders Andersen or Jens Jensen.
• Norway generates 98% of its electrical power from hydroelectric systems.

Not the cat woman you were expecting?

 

Small things 12 March

• "If you didn't hear it from the horse's mouth, stop listening to the ass that told you!"
• When is my next account payment due? That's an appropriate security question to talk to a credit card customer on the phone? Yeah, because this is definitely something everyone has on hand...
• Effective listening skills - a heard mentality....
• (_8(|) Homer
• Boomer: "You have no dignity." Gen Xer: "It's pronounced no diggity."
• Hot pockets are false advertising. They are not sold hot. You have to supply the heat.
• Like Nascar, politicians should have to wear jackets with the names of everyone who's sponsoring them financially.
• It's not boxed wine. It's Cardboardeaux.
• The Darth Vader action figure must come with a warning: "This toy is a choking hazard." Am I right?
• Why do billionaires care if they get taxed more? They'll just make it back and then some with their amazing work ethic, right?
• If you suffered in life, and want other people to endure suffering because 'you turned out fine', you did not in fact turn out fine.
• Once you burn off your winter fat, you're left with spring rolls.

The sale is over

 

Stickers I would make and put on stuff

• I wasn't kung fu fighting
• Still in beta
• NASA logo "Not flat - we checked"
• "That's what."  ~She
• I am [koala][tea]
• 1. Drink the coffee 2. Do the things
• Jenius
• Too old for this shit
• Santa. Doin' it for the ho's.
• Science. Like magic but real.
• Funner. Way gooder than fun.
• Use the force Harry. ~Spock
• Earth's rotation makes my day

With my fish!

 

Have I mentioned yet that I'm in a podcast? Yeah. My friend Adam and I started one a few months back. It's called Talkbots. We're up to episode 7 already.

It was supposed to be mostly about technology, but it has kind of morphed into a bit about everything. So far, we've talked about Alexa and other digital assistants, the Cloud, electric cars, robots, universal basic income, Covid and diabetes. Plus Adam has rediscovered reading. A lot.

It's a good, light listen but it is definitely not PG-13, as I think Adam has some sailor blood in him.

You'll find Talkbots on most of your podcast sites, including Spotify, Apple Podcasts and Google Podcasts.

Brandolini's Law

 Brandolini's law, also known as the bullshit asymmetry principle, is an internet adage that emphasizes the difficulty of debunking false, facetious, or otherwise misleading information.

"The amount of energy needed to refute bullshit is an order of magnitude larger than to produce it."

Meme updates itself

 

Things I learned lately 12 March

• Calgary is adopting a hen (urban livestock) licensing program. No roosters allowed. Only 100 coops will be allowed for now.
• Between 2001 and 2021, Calgary grew from 427 sq/km to 628 sq/km and added 504,698 residents, reaching 1,482,508. Unlike most Canadian cities, our population density increased 3.3%.
• Not only is there a placebo effect, where if you tell a test group that they're getting a great new drug, they'll get better even if they're really getting a sugar pill, there is an opposite nocebo effect, where if you give people the drug but tell them that they're getting a placebo, they may experience declining health related to the illness being treated. A great example of the nocebo effect is a witch doctor telling you, that they put a curse on you, and you believe in their power. You will experience something bad. On the placebo effect side, when a doctor gives you a pain killer, 70% of the pain relief is the result of the drug, and 30% is the result of your belief in the drug's power.
• There are currently over 743 giga-watts of wind power deployed around the world, and over 50% of it is in China.
• The longest possible train journey in the world is 18,755 kilometers. It would begin (or end) in Singapore and end in Lagos, at the south end of Portugal. It would pass through 13 different countries, including Spain, Poland, Belarus, Mongolia, Vietnam, Thailand, and Malaysia, to name a few. The trip would last 21 days and cost about US$1,350.
• Diet Coke and Coke Zero Sugar are basically the same drink (Coke Zero Sugar has one more type of artificial sweetener added). Diet Coke will likely phase out as the word 'diet' has a connotation of a poor self-image and deprivation. Younger consumers (i.e. Millennials) prefer to eat healthier instead of going on a diet. Less sugar is a draw for them.

Small things 4 March

• I was behind a large Toyota Tundra pick up truck that had a decal that said "I identify as a Prius".
• Never moon a werewolf.
• Sometimes Russia gives me the heebie-KGBs. Just Putin that out there....
• For fun, create a group chat called [your name]'s surprise party, add all your local friends and then leave the group. Then sit back and wait for the awesome.
• Even hot dogs are shocked when they find out what they're made of....
• I have in my possession a laptop that is so old and so underpowered, that I tried loading Google Chrome Flex on it and it refused to run.
• I think it's disgraceful that teachers in this country can't get a raise, while professional athletes have arguments over million dollar contracts.
• Happiness is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you feel the warmth.
• What doesn't kill you mutates and tries again later.
• Would self-service not more aptly be called no-service?
• Karma doesn't mean you can rest easy knowing all the people you treated badly had it coming....
• The paper shredder was inspired by fax machines that constantly ate the documents they were fed.....
• Back in my day, we had to go to channel 3 to play video games.

Now we wait

 

Suggestions for things worth protesting about

• A living wage for all
• Better pay for teachers
• The elimination of any second tier, user-pay health care
• After service support for our military veterans
• A national pharmacare program
• Russia getting out of Ukraine

Let's have peace

 

Things I learned lately 4 March

• Sony and Honda are planning to form a new company that will design and sell electric cars.
• Moscow has more billionaires per capita than any other city.
• The Persians invented sherbet in the 11th century CE, which they called sharbat.
• The idiom "You can’t have your cake and eat it, too" Means you can’t eat the cake while also still retaining it. Once it is eaten, it is gone.
• Michelangelo's David is David from David and Goliath.
• They're called the Grammys because the awards are gramophones.
• It's called the 'alphabet' because the Greek alphabet starts with alpha, beta....
• The most popular language to learn in the DuoLingo app in Canada is French. Not a surprise. But Australia too!
• Prisons in Brazil reduce the sentence of their prisoners by 4 days (max 48 days a year) for every book they read and write a book report on.
• In 2015, a man from Manchester began spray painting large penises on potholes to get city officials to fill them faster. He called himself 'Wanksy'.