- You know you're going to have a bad day when your credit card is frozen due to suspicious activity and it was just you buying dumb stuff at 3am.
- No matter where you go, there you are.
- The real danger of wearing headphones in public - your silent farts... aren't.
- How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank coffee before it was cool.
- We are not human beings on a spiritual trip, we are spiritual beings on a human trip.
- Isn't it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and one hand that goes "I don't know how to hold a pencil!"
- Album title: Guitardigrade
- The worst part about parallel parking are the witnesses.
- You do realize that a croque monsieur literally means 'mister bites'? And is just a grilled ham and cheese sandwich?
- When someone says they're considering having more kids, remind them they'll have to listen to "I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map....." all over again.
[baby thoughts] My mom thinks spoons sound like an airplane....
Facebarking: When your Facebook profile picture is of your dog.
Sometimes I just want to run up to a stranger and say "YOU'RE IT!!" and then run away.
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