Small things 25 Mar

• Here’s what I was half expecting: The cops come to arrest Donald Trump and just as it’s about to go down, aliens burst onto the scene and say “Sorry humans, our experiment has failed, we must take him back to the ship now,” as Donald slowly morphs from speaking English to some alien gibberish.
• Pedro Pascal for Calgary Stampede Parade Marshall 2023. Just do it.
• There's a mortgage store at the mall now.
• Am I perfect? No. But am I striving to be? Also no.
• The news is basically someone saying ‘good evening’, and then giving you a list of reasons why it’s not.
• Imagine if books had bloopers pages with typos from before they were fixed.
• Some day, we’ll tell our kids that we used to know relatives who put clear plastic covers on their furniture so it wouldn’t get dirty or worn.
• Imagine that you screamed into the abyss and it responded with “This could have been an email…”
• When you watched Cookie Monster ‘fake eat’ those cookies, did you cringe at all the cookies that were wasted on that show?
• Never follow the phrase, “I’m speechless” with a long rant.
• Fun: taking a random person with you to couples’ therapy and waiting to see how long it takes for them to realize you’re not really a couple.
• Hootin’. The gateway drug to hollerin’.
• If by clubbing you mean do I like eating club sandwiches, then yes. I love clubbing.
• Employer: What’s your biggest weakness? Me: Probably the warm bread basket and butter they give out before the meal.
• I love how the government thinks that young people hate capitalism because they were corrupted by their teachers and not because it’s hard to afford a house. And on the flip side we get to see what rich people do just because they can.
• Have you ever been sad and found two more sad people and formed a cryangle?
• Why are they called red onions? They are clearly purple.