Karl's Headline add-ons

Where I take an actual news headline from today and add my own flavour to the end (in italics). I found some of today's headlines lent themselves to witty rebuttals.

• More snow on the way for Southern Ontario. Army nowhere in sight.
• Carbon-rich planet may have diamond core. All female crew set to launch next year.
• Crosby, Pens outclass Leafs. Biggest understatement of the year.
• Harper turns Piano Man drops speech for song, rocking at Tories holiday party. The PM has left the building.
• Elderly woman defends house with pitchfork. Tells family they'll be eating ham steaks for several weeks.
• Music may ease stress for ICU patients. Celine Dion banned from playlist.
• Bank gouging must end: consumer group. Ominous laughter heard from Bay Street in Toronto.
• Phone scam warns of Microsoft virus. Microsoft scam warns of phone virus.
• Prince Charles's car kicked in tuition riot. 007 nowhere to be found.
• Economic inequality breeds social ills: author. He said, from his penthouse suite at the Four Seasons Hotel.