Friday, March 16, 2007

Karl on vegetables

Here's a list of veggies I've tried and my thoughts on them:

Asparagus - I can take or leave this poser of a vegetable, but I'd prefer to leave it.
Beans - Bring them on. In chili or even just plain ol' baked beans. Lima beans are good too. Fiber is your friend.
Beets - I loves me some beets. Pickled or plain - just give me more of that sassy red root.
Bell Peppers - I like them. On pizza, in my Spanish rice, in salad. But my fave has to be stuffed peppers. Drooool.
Broccoli - Hate 'em raw - love 'em cooked. With or without cheese sauce.
Brussels sprouts - aka teenage mutant ninja cabbages. How could you not like these cute l'il fellas.
Cabbage - Yum. I can't explain why. The taste isn't exciting or anything. It must be the texture. Then there's stuffed cabbage. Get me a bib. I almost forgot red cabbage - steaming red bliss. Maybe it's the German in me.
Carrots - Great raw or cooked.
Cauliflower - Gack! Broccoli's albino cousin. Not only is the colour sucked out, so is the flavour. Gross.
Celery - Seriously, who decided this should be eaten? It's like a tougher Rhubarb with none of the flavour. What's the point?
Corn - Mmmm. One of the perfect vegetables. Popcorn? Come on - only corn could pull that little stunt off. But my absolute favourite is corn on the cob, slathered in butter and dashes of salt. I can picture the slick around my lips. I'm drooling already. I was raised in a town that had community corn roasts in the summer.
Cucumber - A poser 'til it's pickled. You can pretend to like cucumbers, but you're only really giving yourself permission to love pickles. Just get them off your eyes, please.
Eggplant - My Grandmom fried 'em up for us as kids. Thanks, but no thanks.
Garlic - Another perfect veggie. My friends probably don't appreciate my love for this stuff, but I'm afraid they'll just have to endure it. I sweat garlic through my pores on a regular basis. Darlene acts annoyed, but she knows I must have it and she obliges me with every dish she cooks. Amen.
Green beans - I love 'em. They have to be cooked, but not too much. The canned variety are out. They have to be the fresh au naturel kind - sans processing.
Lettuce - I only tolerate lettuce to get to the good stuff in a salad, the dressing, croutons and other veggies.
Mushrooms - I'm still on the fence about these guys. I don't hate them. I don't love them. I tolerate them. Batter them, deep fry them and bring me a tub of ranch dip and maybe we'll start getting excited.
Olives - Like Kryptonite to me. An abomination. Some folks add insult to injury and stuff them. Quadruple Gack!
Onions - Yet another perfect vegetable. Put them in everything. Caramelized onions are nature's way of saying, "you don't need sugar to make candy". Onion rings? Divine. Pickled onions? Yep.
Peas - I like peas. But those poor bastards suffer through a cruel joke played on them by the inventors of the table setting. Cutlery do not cut peas any slack. Any other vegetable is easily eaten with a fork. Not the humble pea. Those suckers just roll right off. They're doomed. Sure, you could use a spoon - and break every protocol known to humankind.
Potatoes - Po-ta-toes. Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew. Not to mention sliced and gratineed with cheddar cheese in the oven. Another favourite of Darlene's and mine is sliced, and pan fried with onion and pieces of bacon. But the ultimate, need I tell you is julienned and deep fried. No - I will not call them freedom fries, they're french fries dammit!
Pumpkin - I have to admit, I'm not wise in the worldly ways of the pumpkin. I only know it in one form - the filling in pumpkin pie. And that my friends is how Darlene keeps winning my stomach errr heart. Keep the Cool Whip handy.
Radish - Mother Nature's idea of a joke. Taste awful. The first time the creatures of the land witnessed us eating radishes, they looked at each other and thought, "can you believe they're actually eating that shit?"
Rhubarb - I used to pick fresh (raw) rhubarb from the garden at our house as a kid (it grew wild). Then eat it. Raw. It's a wonder my appendix isn't the size of a cucumber.
Spinach - It tastes like it's good for you. But it still tastes good. You know what I mean? How do they do it?
Squash - I do not like them. Karl I am.
Sweet Potatoes - Fried? Check. Mashed? Check. Candied? Oh yeah....
Tomatoes - I like my tomatoes every way. Raw, sliced in a sandwich with mayo and a slice of cheddar. Prego? I should own stock in that company.
Turnips - I don't know what it is, but I love the texture of mashed turnips. They have to be mashed. Otherwise - pass!
Zucchini - See mushrooms.


Anonymous said...

Wow. Karl, that was an excellent read. It really goes to show that everyones tastes vary greatly, even when concerning the Nazi food group.

Karl Plesz said...

Nazi food group?