Small things 1 Mar

• Claiming that someone else's marriage is against your religion is like being angry at someone for eating a cupcake because you're on a diet.
• New Jersey has more than 600 diners, more than any other state.
• Me at the grocery store picking an item behind the one in the front.
• Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
• What will we call Glacier National Park after the glaciers are gone?
• Your earlobes are lined up vertically with your nipples. You just checked, didn’t you?
• Newfoundland was discovered 5000 years ago. Poor name choice maybe?
• Would you let your kids eat cake for breakfast? No? Then why would you let them eat fried cake served with butter and maple syrup on top?
• Remember when most department stores had their own restaurants?
• I said to myself, “Self” (and I knew it was me because I recognized my voice and I was wearing my underwear) “Today is going to be a great day.” [stolen from dave skripka]
• Technically the glass is always full. What portion of it isn’t filled with water is filled with air.
• From now on, when I get a cold call from a service company, I’m just going to say whatever equates to “You can’t help me.” So if it’s duct cleaning, I’ll say, “I don’t have a furnace, so no ducts.” If it’s ‘Microsoft’ suggesting I have a Windows issue, I’ll say “I don’t use Windows. I use Linux.” If they claim I owe taxes, I’ll say, “Of course I owe taxes. I’ve never submitted a tax return in my life.”