Sunday, January 08, 2012

The gift that says more than "I'm too lazy to bother"

There was a time when gift wrap concealed a surprise present - nothing more. Now it is possible to take the guesswork out of gift selection and resort to giving a gift card to a particular merchant. The philosophy is this: Let them buy what they want. In theory, it's a great idea, albeit it takes a lot of the responsibility of carefully choosing a gift out of the gift giver's hands. Where's the fun in that?

But I often wonder what the recipient thinks about getting a gift card for a particular store. Is it possible to insult, offend, insinuate or subtly suggest something by the selection of a particular store card? I believe it is and offer these tongue-in-cheek 'read-between-the-lines' sentiments behind various gift card choices:

Rona / Home Hardware / Home Depot / Lowe's - We've been to your house and you obviously need some help financing that renovation project you've been working on.
Chapters / Indigo - We find it easy to visualize you spending most of your free time reading books, so....
Best Buy / Future Shop - Just because your wife says you can't have that new 50" television doesn't mean you can't buy it with other peoples' money.
Boston Pizza - Because a McDonald's gift card would have been really scraping the bottom of the barrel.
Wal*Mart - China clearly needs more of your money.
Apple Store - Now you have a reason to go into one of their stores besides just trying to look all hipster.
iTunes - Seriously, who 'buys' music anymore, especially DRM-laden AM quality rubbish 128bps mp3s? Use these for coasters when you host a party.
Roots - Give these to newly landed immigrants who need a little Canuck-ing up with beaver tuques and red and white woolly maple leaf scarves.
Le Chateau - For all the 'The Situation' and 'JWoww' people in your life.
HBC / Zellers / Home Outfitters - Grandma, I understand that you might be in the market for 2 year old stale chocolate. They keep that stuff right by the tills....
Sears - You may as well experience what it's like to shop in a store that probably won't be around in 5 years.
Winners - Why pay $150 for a cost-$10-to-make shirt when you could have it for $55?
Canadian Tire - There are not too many gift cards you could use simultaneously to buy an oil change, a coffee machine and a crescent wrench in the same store.
The Keg Steakhouse / Cactus Club / Joey's / Earl's - Now you can justify eating for two for $60.
Starbucks - Haven't you always wanted to know what it would be like to be pre-diabetic and insanely hyperactive at the same time? Ooooh! Free wi-fi!
Esso / Shell / Petro Canada - Give this to the owner of a Ford F-450 King Ranch pickup. Mak sure it's a $25 card too. It'll 2/3 fill a Honda Civic Hybrid's tank, but you'll need 6 of these to fill up an F-450.
Golf Town - I'd like to buy you a new set of balls, because yours look pretty worn out and pathetic.
Sephora - Shampoo that smells like cinnamon buns. You know you want it.
Fairmount Hotels & Resorts - Here's your chance to see if a $600 room is any better than a Holiday Inn Express room.
La Vie en Rose - A cheap $30 thong panty just won't do. You need a high class $100 thong panty.
Victoria's Secret - Guys can just walk in, pick out a salesperson and say "I need something that would fit you if you were 20 pounds heavier and wore a permanent scowl. Can you model this for me?"
Williams Sonoma / Pottery Barn - When your budget just won't justify $50 cake mix or a $500 Galileo table lamp.
Nine West - Two words - high maintenance.
IKEA - I hear you're going to be single soon. IKEA can help furnish a new place on a budget.
Toys R Us - The only thing you can't buy here for the kids are scholarships.
Holt Renfrew - When you start getting that look of "You don't belong in here ma'am", just flash this card and you'll be left alone for 5 minutes.
Safeway - The best gift I could conjure up in my mind was help with the groceries.
Jysk - You're so cheap, you think IKEA is a luxury store.
Costco - Ever had a Costco poutine? No? Too busy buying the 125 pack pallet of Prego?
Lotto 649 - If you win, I expect a substantial cut of the earnings.
Pennington's / Addition Elle - Actually, your ass does look big in those jeans....
American Apparel - I often visualize you dressed in skimpy outfits and posed like a schoolhouse tramp.
Payless Shoesource - Because Jimmy Choo and Manolo Blahnik are so over-rated. Nuthin' but Hush Puppies for the one I love.
Old Navy - You wouldn't pay good money to buy clothing that will start to fall apart the moment you walk out of the store. Now you don't have to.
Joe Fresh - You have no fashion sense whatsoever.
Gap - You are gay or have gay friends.
Mark's Work Warehouse - Safety steel re-enforced bras and boots are something you obviously need.
Coach - $200 should be enough to buy a purse, right? It's not?
Purdy's Chocolate - What you need more than anything else right now is chocolate.
Tim Hortons - I'm willing to subsidize your addiction to horrible coffee and sugary starches.
Dairy Queen - When you're ready to break your ri-DQ-lous new year's resolution, I figure a peanut buster parfait or a blizzard should do it nicely.
M&M - Yes, I totally realize that you're going to use this to buy frozen appetizers to bring to my next pot luck....
Lee Valley - You need a hobby.
Bombay Co. - You did say that you like cherry wood..............

No comments: