Things not to say while you're still on probation at your new job

“Sorry I’m late. I finally made it to level 10 in Halo.”
“When should I expect my offer?”
“Hey! My grandma has that same sweater! Cool!”
"I am so getting it on with the bosses' daughter."
"Sick days are just bonus vacation days, right?"
“Get your own coffee.”
“My mom’s on the phone. She wants to go over all my dietary restrictions with you.”
“What do you mean, the cafeteria doesn’t serve Stella Artois?”
“Oh, honey. Let’s talk about this outfit.”
“Fridays are optional, right?”
“I’m not really ‘into’ that whole 8 hour workday thing.”
“You started here in 1990? That’s, like, before I was born!”
“Wow, I never thought I’d get another job after what happened at the last one!”
“I get your job when this probation ends, right?”
“Can I expense my Playboy subscription? It’s research.”
“I found the best place to nap yesterday!”
“Heading out early. Glee is on tonight and I need to prepare.”
“It’s not sexual harassment if you say ‘surprise!’”
“You’re doing it wrong.”
“You’re cute. Do you have a son who’s closer to my age?”