An open letter to restaurants

• Let your hostess know they can cut out the insincere chatter on the way to the table. She doesn't really care how my day is going and I didn't go to a restaurant to talk about it. Otherwise, I'm going to start asking what she uses for her acne problem.
• I could care less if your corporate chefs won the James Beard award. If your restaurant cooks can't make a decent club sandwich or fish and chips, I'm writing a big fail over the framed award with permanent marker.
• We really don't care how svelte your servers are. Did it ever occur to restaurant owners that hiring nothing but skinny models would lend itself to a perception that the food must really suck.
• But even more importantly, can your servers remember my order? Would you mind letting them write my order down?
• If I'm actively ordering my entree, it's a pretty good bet that I'm not interested in an appetizer.
• If my meal is inedible, I think I'm entitled to more than a free appetizer next time. There won't be a next time.
• When the hostess asks how the food was as we're leaving, I wonder how she would react if I told her the truth. Would she be scarred for life?
• The last time I checked, there are over 100 spices out there. Chili powder and black pepper are but two. Learn the rest.
• If your bench seat cushions are so broken in that I'm likely to slide from my perch down into a worn out hollow, it might be time to re-cushion the seats.
• I'm guessing that they don't teach cutlery positions in server school anymore. If I'm signalling that I'm done eating with my knife and fork, you shouldn't even need to ask "Are you still working on that?" Unless you're assuming that your amateur diners don't know how to signal with their utensils. On second thought, they probably know squat - go ahead and ask.
• As classy as it is using real cloth napkins, if they smell like stale laundry - you just ruined the classy factor.
• Wouldn't it be common sense that if you take a hot, freshly washed glass and fill it with pop, that you'll need a bit more ice to keep that drink cold? If the ice is practically melted by the time you get to the table - it wasn't enough.
• If the damages come to $28 and I hand you two $20 bills, asking if I want change is uncool. What's even uncooler is when you bring back a $10 bill and a twoonie, as if you're going to motivate me to give you the $10 as a tip. Guess again.
• The best way to entice guests with dessert is to wheel that shit out in the open where everyone can see it. In my restaurant, I'd pay a young'un a small wage just to slowly roll a dessert cart around. It's practically a license to print money.