Down with fees

I have great contempt for fees. Fees are just delayed costs meant to connive you into thinking you're getting a deal on something now, but you just end up paying later.

For just one example, an airline flight. It might only cost $300. But then there's the NavCan fee (to operate Canada's air navigation systems), a likely airport improvement fee (levied by various airports to fund expansions and renovations), and a federal security charge (to fund security personnel and security equipment). Sometimes there's also a fuel surcharge, when the price of aviation fuel goes up too much for the airline to swallow. It doesn't stop there. Now there are fees to check a second piece of luggage, and on some airlines even the first bag will cost you. Want to pick a specific seat, reserve by phone, change your reservation or just get a pillow? Ka-ching. Ka-ching. Eat? Ka-ching! Pee? It's coming......

If you want to put the fare up, put it up front. Even our Federal government wants airlines to disclose the final ticket price in their ads. In an ad for a flight from Vancouver to Newfoundland, one airline listed the price as $334. There was a big red asterisk. The fine print read, "That's one-way, of course, and doesn't include fuel surcharges, taxes and stuff. It's another $334 should you choose to return home." So after all of the fees are tacked on, the round-trip flight adds up to $903. That's not including cancellation insurance. That sounds a lot like $334, doesn't it?

"How badly do you want to go? $334? Good price eh? Sorry that's one way. How about $668? Come on.... you know you wanna... How about $700? Do I hear $800? $900? Your first born? Are you willing to stand? Can we see you naked first (for security reasons only)? Could you please empty your bladder before boarding? And take a deep breath? And bend over?