Driver rant

[sarcasm on] The official driver handbook must have changed in the last decade or so, because certain behaviours are becoming more frequent on our roads and new rules are the only logical explanation. Although I haven't read a driver's manual recently, I predict the following texts based on what I've seen on the roads of late:

If you intend to exit a multi-laned freeway, stay in the farthest left lane and exit at the last possible moment. Moving over one lane at a time well in advance simply serves to disrupt the regular flow of traffic and wastes precious seconds.

All vehicles are equipped with turn signal indicators, but their use is optional, in fact completely discouraged. If other drivers can't predict your intentions based on head movement or what side of your face your cell phone is attached to, that's their problem. The human being only uses 10% of the brain, so the less you use your signals, the faster telepathy will develop. If you do decide to use your signals, use them at the last minute, just to prove to any police that may be watching that they do in fact work.

When you find yourself on a merge lane, this is the perfect place to come to a complete stop. Use this opportunity to grab a sip of your coffee, finish that burger, apply makeup or place a call on your cell phone before merging into traffic. Once you begin moving again, drive as slowly as possible, as the oncoming traffic needs time to see you coming and should slow down enough to let you enter the road at half speed. Merging slowly also helps reduce congestion, as fewer vehicles enter the roadway in a certain period of time.

Roads have become so congested these days that as drivers, we need to get off those roads as quickly as possible. So if you see a vehicle ahead of you, it behoves you to get past them so that you may get to your destination first, no matter how fast they are going. Speed limits become just a guide at this point, so use them as such. The more traffic there is, the more you should endeavour to get to the front of the pack. This is no time for doddlers when road congestion is at issue. When emergency vehicles approach from behind, pulling over just creates a traffic problem. The best approach is to race ahead, clearing a path for them.

Playground and school zone signs are less about slowing down and more about awareness of the presence of children as potential road hazards. Resume your normal speed if you own a vehicle with brakes in good working order. Remember, pedestrians must look both ways before they cross. If the road is not clear, they must wait.

Humans are multi-taskers and as such, we cannot be expected to just focus on driving alone. True road skill is only achieved when you can drive, talk on the phone, read a map or GPS device, select music on the stereo or mp3 player, eat something and drink coffee at the same time. Anyone who cannot perform this kind of multi-tasking while driving is an amateur and should take the bus.

The two hand steering wheel grip was invented before the days of drive-thrus, cell phones and in-car entertainment and navigation devices. This driving technique is therefore obsolete.
[sarcasm off]