Remotes....... like.. WTF?

In the realm of technology, nothing has received as little innovation as the remote control. Most remote controls are designed for men. They have a plethora of buttons, 75% of which offer access to features that you'll likely never use. The labels beside the buttons are so small as to require the youthful vision of a 20 year old - I can only read them with glasses, Darlene can't read them at all. Of course, she may just be faking not being able to read them - she doesn't look forward to having to use these remotes at all and has resorted to punishing me by forcing me into writing a step by step guide on how to turn the surround system / TV / cable box / DVD player on and off - complete with device map (seen above), because she couldn't tell a DVD player from a VCR from a PVR if her life depended on it. Nor could any woman who has been given the daunting task of coming into the family room and trying to watch a movie without my assistance.

Why does it have to be this way? We have put rovers on Mars, have robots that build cars and have built phones that are mini computer / phone / PDA combinations with intuitive touch screen interfaces. But we still have clunky, push-button remotes stretching the limits of 1970s technology. Yeah sure, you can buy touch screen universal remotes that supposedly replace every other remote in your house and consolidate the functions on one master world-dominating beast, but the thing typically weighs 3 pounds, costs more than some of the devices it controls and uses up batteries faster than a sex toy in a bawdy house.

Manufacturers are missing the point. We shouldn't even need remotes. If a surround receiver can automatically adjust the volume going to all fifty speakers (yes - I'm exaggerating) using a microphone and a test tone, why can't it listen for our commands and do our bidding?

"System... ON."
"Watch TV... channel 6."
"Set Volume for Karl."

Those voice commands should be enough to turn everything on that needs turning on, select the channel and set the volume at a predetermined rate. For the technologically challenged, the system should sense when the user doesn't understand the command structure and offer assistance.

System: "Do you want to watch TV?"
Darlene: "No."
System: "Do you want to watch a movie?"
Darlene: "Yes."
System: "DVD or pre-recorded PVR program?"
Darlene: "DVD."
System: "Is the DVD inserted in the player?"
Darlene: "Yes."

Done. And done. Is that so hard? I don't think so.