Good Wife Guide 2007

Waaaay back in October 2005, I posted about a supposed Good Wife Guide that had been found in a 1955 edition of Housekeeping Monthly.

Here is a more up-to-date version (which I was originally hosting on my web space, but decided to put it on the blog instead):

• Consider going out for dinner. This is a contingency plan of course, in case your husband or kids don’t have a meal taken care of by dinner time. Be sure to leave subtle hints around the kitchen identifying your favourite meals. Never hint that you might be willing to make dinner yourself – the rest of your family have to be concerned about your needs. If you’re going to actually cook, let it be a surprise, but never give them the impression this is going to be a regular occurrence.
• Look tired and haggard. If you’ve had an easy day, sneak in some jumping jacks for a few minutes to get sweaty and dishevelled. Do not touch up your make-up, or brush your hair. You have to look worse than anyone else.
• Be aggressive in starting and maintaining a conversation. His (or the kids’) mundane day is the last thing you want to hear about, so don’t let up for a second. With practise, they won’t even think about boring you with their day, they’ll just resign themselves to listening to you.
• Maintain a to-do list for the family. If the list drops below a dozen items, the family will start fantasizing about the possibility of finishing what’s on it. Never let this happen.
• If you have to compete with the family to use your tub for a quiet soak, just stock the most feminine, aromatic products you can find all around the tub. This may not work if you have girls, so be sure to add some used razors (with the hairs still on them).
• Train your family to minimize all noise. A family should be seen - not heard. [gasp] What am I saying? They shouldn’t even be seen if that’s possible….
• Never seem happy to see your family. This promotes dependence, noise, and leads to them asking for favours. They need to want to be doing you favours. Don’t act unhappy, just play it cool.
• Greet them with a look that will leave them completely unsure of your mood or intentions. An unpredictable woman is a force to be reckoned with.
• Make the evening yours. If he comes home late, don’t wait. If he goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment with business associates [wink], this is the perfect time to order Spago’s (or any favourite local high-end eatery) to be delivered by taxi.
• Your goal: To make sure your home is a palace of peace, order, and tranquillity where you can renew yourself in body and spirit. You are the queen.
• If he doesn’t notice your new hair-do or colour, you know what you have to do. No sex for 2 weeks.
• If any family member starts whining about laundry not getting done, simply wave your hand with a powerful Jedi motion and exclaim, “There is no maid”.
• Under no circumstances should any family member accompany you shopping. This is not the time to be interrupted every 30 seconds or feel guilty watching what you spend while hubby is pacing around the store trying to figure out what the hell you’re doing in the ‘petites’ section of Le Chateau (or Hot Topic in the US). Cell phones were designed to call the family back together after you’re finished shopping.
• Let your husband know that his chances of getting lucky are not directly related to the size of your lingerie collection. You bought it to feel good about yourself – not for him.
• A good wife always knows what she wants.

Picture by Mrs Reed.