Friday, November 19, 2004

Alcohol - nature's brain solvent

Some day, humankind will understand what drives people to drink. I'm not referring to alcoholics, who drink due to some disorder - I'm talking about ordinary, down 'n dirty, good old fashioned drunk fests. In the meantime, I have a theory. I think alcohol targets very specific brain cells. In particular, I think it kills the cells associated with memory and damages the ones associated with reason.

Think about it - when you're drunk, you love everybody. You wanna love everybody, even though doing so might be a bad idea. When you're mad and drunk - you want to fight, even if it means taking on the most improbable of opponents. You stay out til the wee hours of the morning, even if you have to work the next day. You're completely convinced you'll be fine after a few cups of coffee. You're sure that if you just drive slow enough, there's no chance you'll hit anything. You see? Reason has completely moved to the back burner.

The more permanent damage is done to your memory. When you wake up from a good drunk, you have little recollection of what (or who) you did the night before. You swear that these ill effects you now feel have convinced you never to do that again. Yeah.....right! You even take other peoples' advice on what magical concoction is going to help you feel better, even though it didn't work last time either. Things like a greasy egg breakfast (Mmmmm). Not a good idea.

I've always said I really enjoy staying sober at a social gathering and watching everyone get loaded. But the real fun begins the next morning, when their brain proves once and for all that alcohol is just 'dumb juice' and its effects are more permanent than we give it credit for.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I've always liked this one

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."