Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we will trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you what number to press.
If you are depressive, it does not matter which number you press, no one will answer you.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.
If you have a short term memory loss, please try your call again later.
If you have low self esteem, hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.