No passport for you!

Being the worldly traveller that I am (in my dreams), I have to have a passport. Last winter I had to get mine renewed at the office downtown. I was not prepared for the scene I was about to witness.

When you arrive to process a passport application, you need to have a number of official documents, many signatures from important people and let's not forget the passport photo. The passport office has a pre-screening lineup that you have to go through before you can get in the regular lineup. This is so you don't waste anyone's time in the regular lineup if you are missing an important piece of the puzzle. Such as, you forgot a signature, or you don't have proof of citizenship, or your photo isn't quite right. People literally stress-out in the pre-screen lineup, hoping they have everything that meets the screener's scrutinizing gaze. It's like being in an old Communist bread line, hoping you get your ration before they run out - assuming they like the look of your face. Now I understand the requirement for having the correct paperwork, but the thing that always puzzles me is the deal with the passport photo.

The background in the photo has to be a certain colour and hue, you can't be smiling, your ears have to show, your head has to fit within a certain area of the photo, no drooling, no piercings, you must have eyebrows, no toupees, no zits, your teeth can't be abnormally white (OK, I made some of those up), it's really quite specific. Some people were turned away simply because the photo didn't meet the pre-screeners criteria. Even I was warned that the top of my head might be too close to the top of the photo. So here I am, sweating it out in the regular lineup, waiting to see if the passport staff are going to reject my photo (forcing me to get another one at my expense). When I finally got my turn, I approached the subject with great delicacy, since this person serving me had the ultimate power to reject my application for any reason. I boldly asked, "If the photo has to be so perfect, why don't you guys take the picture yourself?"

That's when I blacked out. Darlene says I was gone for days, but the next thing I remember, I was on a bus headed home, some homeless guy snoozing on my shoulder.