"...for the betterment and hitch-free of the consignment liftment "

I feel like a celebrity. I got another one of those fantastic, far-out 'Nigerian Scam Emails' again. I'll post the highlights of it here (all spelling as it was in the email) (names redacted to protect the stupid):

My main purpose of writing you is to help me acheive my only wish before the appointed time that i shall die as i am mailing from my hospital room/bed with tears on my face. I have thought about it and because of the trend of scam in the world today i have to be careful and mindful of who i shall entrust this proposed charity donation into his hands so that the objective of the donation will be acheived, thus i decided to contact you because of how i met you and because you are advanced and can understand my pains too. But understand that i cannot chat with you or call you because MSN AND YAHOOMESSANGER is not installed in the taptop that i am using here in the hospital and we are not allowed to use telephone in "post operation ward" and "intensive care unit ward".

Well despite my situation what bothers me most is my late husband's fund(U.S.$9 MILLION) that will be a waste if nothing is done urgently as that is the major reason why i contacted you. This fund was deposited in Xxxxx security and finance limited, Xxxxx in Xxxxx Xxx by my late husband before his untimlely death which he consealed the fund in a metallic trunk box as family valuables and deposited it with the security company instead of a bank because of security reasons base on the fact that he was the founder of the strongest rebel opposition group in PHILIPPINES then.

Since i am the real next of kin and wife to the depositor what i am suppose to do after you have sent me your international passport and other proofs of your identity to avoid betrayal after the consignment liftment to you is for me to send all the documents of the deposit and the security company's full contact details to you so that you can apply for the release of the consignment which the security company will not hesitate to process the release once i conscent to it though i will first confirm your identity and your capability of been able to help me because this is all i have at the moment and in this life which i must be very careful of whom i shall entrust it to and must also be used for charity work which will be named after my late husband on the completion.

So i want your re-affirmation that you are capable to help me transfer the consignment as what you will have to do after i have sent all the necessary documents to you is just for you to contact the security company as my late husband's business partner and find out what it will take the security company to process and transfer the consignment to you through through their diplomatic courier service.

Then after clearing with the security company you will direct them on how to lift the consignment to you. Please i want to let you know that i am banking on you, i have no other person to relate my problems to, every member of my late husbands family have turned against me because of my husbands left over before he died, and i would'nt like to dispose any of my plans to them until i finally seal this consignment liftment with your assistance and actualise my dreams of a charity establisment in the name of my late husband.

I am willing to do anything to assist in the liftment of this consignment
to you only if you assure me of ensuring that a charity home and home for HIV/AIDS will be built with part of the fund in my late husdand status and name. please i want an answer to all questions as listed below so that i can be more assured that you are really genuine and ready to help me before sending you the documents of the deposit and the security company's contact details that you shall use to apply for the consignment release and liftment to you:-

1.if you are ready to keep the transaction as top secret because i do not want my late husband relatives to know about this consignment in Africa after they took possession of all my late husband accounts and properties in philippines.

2. your capability and credibility in handling this transcation in every remification.

3.your credibility and reliability as to avoid betrayal from you or seating on the entire fund when the trunk box is finally received by you.

4. that all my instructions as the initiator of the transaction would be taking for the betterment and hitch-free of the consignment liftment to you.

I will highlight you more on what to do as soon as you send your details and the proof of your identity so that i will have all the confident to entrust the transaction into your care without any fear and for us to proceed with the claim proceedings without further delay.
On the receipt of your response i will send my personal photographs, my medical report and my international passport for your view so that you will have the confident to go at any lenght to help me. I am soliciting for your speedy response to my email with your full details and proof of your identity so that we can proceed with the consignment release and liftment proceedings without further delay.

I await your urgent response in this regard.

I especially love #4. They sure like the word liftment? Oh.... and I want a taptop.