Small things 20 May

• That smoke you see and smell? They told you it’s from wildfires. It’s actually from pants on fire.
• Her: Do you want to go for a walk? Me: Yeah, that would be lovely. Her: OK, see you when you get back. Take your time.
• Why is it spelled ‘Looney Tunes’ and not ‘Looney Toons’?
• The old me: Welp, time for bed… The new me: And now I must attend to my evening affairs…
• How many times are you going to say, “It’s been one of those weeks” before you realize there’s never going to be the other kind of week?
• Nothing jeopardizes the validity of your ‘man card’ than when you need to tie a secure knot for something and your brain goes, “What is this ‘knot’ that you speak of?”
• Sometimes LinkedIn sends me a message telling me that I've shown up in [xx] searches this week. That piece of information is about as useless as being told that some people saw me at the mall on the weekend.
• Ice cream flavour idea: The wrath of butter P'Khan!
• There aren’t any articles showing extroverts how to tone it down a notch…
• [Points to pizza slicer] “What’s that?”  “That’s what I use to cut carbs.” 
• Propaganda: When a British person takes a really close look at something.
• Why would they sample toilet paper at Costco? And why is the lady wearing latex gloves?
• Remember when public toilets had those toilet paper dispensers that gave you like one tiny folded sheet of paper and you had to grab a bunch to get the job done properly? What a shit show.