Small things 13 May

• Long live King Charles III, or as I call him, the royal formerly known as prince.
• If you think something is true, you should try really hard to disprove it. Only then can you get at the truth.
• Gen Z kids can dress like 1985 all they want, but they'll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get in touch with you until you come home.
• Nobody is scared of being alone in the dark. People are scared of NOT being alone in the dark.
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• Parenting: 90% stopping kids from hurting/killing themselves. 10% Trying to explain why they’re not allowed to do the things that are hurting/killing themselves.
• Wanna see mankind get to Mars real quick? Just tell ‘em there’s oil up there.
• Young ‘uns probably think Weezer is classic rock.
• OK, I don’t mean to get all dark and stuff but hear me out. Dad always said YES, Mom always said NO. But now Dad is dead. No more asking permission from Mom I guess.
• Waiter: Here’s your food. Me: Can I have some ketchup please? Waiter brings ketchup: How are the first few bites? Me: There are no ‘bites’ before I have the ketchup. Circle back in 5 and ask again.
• Remember when we would buy ringtones? Now we don’t even want our phones to ring.
• When you pet someone’s dog and they say “Wow, he never lets strangers do that.”
• When you try to be friendly with a dog and it barks like crazy and the owner says, “Sparky! Don’t be like that. You’re supposed to attack!”

Me: Are there any medicinal benefits to prescription marijuana?
Doc: Yes, it reduces stress.
Me: How so?
Doc: You no longer worry about how you’re going to pay for your marijuana.


Him: Can you pass me the rooster shooster sauce?Her: Sorry, the what now?
Him: The warsha chester sure sauce.
Her: Are you having a stroke?
Him: The worst sister shire sauce!
Her: I’m calling 9-1-1.

HR recruiter: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” 

Me: “Begging to be allowed to continue to work from home.”