Small things 11 Nov

• Let’s stop calling them baristas, and call them caffeine clerics and sugar shamans.
• How to control the population: Every time a child is born they are issued a drum set and a kazoo. And it’s against the law to take those things away from the child.
• Do I think their cat is spoiled? I don’t know, should the fridge have a cat door?
• Joe Walsh and Keith Moon walked into a bar. Nobody quite remembers what happened after that.
• Cats could never have a closed-door meeting, because all the other cats would have their paws under the door trying to feel for what’s going on.
• Hey Alexa and Google Home! You want to be really useful? Start listening in to where I say out loud that I’m putting something, so that weeks, months or years later I can ask, “Hey Google, where are the pruning shears?”, and you’ll tell me.
• Dear leaders. Let’s get together and make the alternating yield, also known as the zipper merge, the law, since dumbasses can’t seem to do it on their own.
• I love how when parents and other grown adults imitate The Count from Sesame Street, they are quite happy to just count something that there’s only one of. They don’t bother to find like a six-pack or a large pack of toilet paper rolls, no. They just go, “One. One joint of marijuana…. Ha ha ha!”