Small things 1 October

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  A judge took Britney Spear's father's conservatorship away, because it was..................... toxic.
• Do you know what Tommy Guns? I don't want my scalp massaged. I don't want my hair washed. I just want a damned haircut.
• Buy gift cards to your favourite restaurants. Then, if your spouse says "we can't afford to eat out", just suddenly remember that you have a gift card from Christmas or your birthday or something.
• The logical solution to plastic grocery bags is to make them all compostable. We literally buy bags just to compost food, but have nothing useful to do with grocery bags.
• Weekday coffees are medicinal. Sunday coffees are recreational.
• If you sprayed mosquitoes with mosquito repellent, they would never have sex and........ problem solved!
• He talks so much he should go to On and On Anon.
• When I'm retired I won't be hanging out at Tim Hortons. Nope. I'm hanging out at Starbucks with all the wealthy retirees.
• I would tell you a joke about noble gases but it wouldn’t get a reaction.
• There are two kinds of people in the world. 1) Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.