Small things 11 Jan

• Most New Year’s resolutions go in one year and out the other.
• Whenever you have a panic attack, put the brown bag to your lips and drink from the bottle of liquor hidden inside.
• I've been in jail. I did not pass go. I did not collect $200. It's not a fun way to experience Monopoly.
• Impress your date - ask if they want to go back to your place to play doctor. If they say 'yes', make them wait in the living room for an hour.
• Whenever you're feeling dumb, just remember, little red riding hood was fooled by a wolf in drag.
• If we could just decide on a font to represent sarcasm, the internet might be a slightly gentler place.
• If you don't have any kids, you're truly ending a real family tradition.
• The significance of muscle memory really becomes apparent when you change your password or move your app icons around.
• The first person on the moon does NOT hold a world record. He holds a moon record.