How to be alone

When I was young, I was alone. A lot. In fact, I was a loner. I'm not sure if it was by choice or by necessity. I was a social misfit and friends were rare and fleeting. I learned to be alone and I embraced it. Being alone was freeing. I wasn't alone all of the time. I had friends. But I gave more time to myself than to others. And it wasn't bad. In fact, it was probably what I needed at the time. I could be me when I was alone. Hell, I could be whoever I wanted to be. That was much harder to pull off in the presence of company.

Things are much different today. I've forgotten how to be alone. It started when I left home. My alone time disappeared with joining the military. It's hard to be alone in that kind of life. I tried. But it just couldn't be maintained. In time I was with friends much more than I was alone. I became addicted to the company I kept. With increased social interaction came increased confidence. That made me crave being with others even more. The alone time dissipated until it was almost gone. But I needed a mate. Then I met Darlene. And then we got married. By this time, alone had just become a concept. It didn't exist anymore. I enjoyed my anti-alone time so much, I began to fear being alone. When alone-ness was thrust upon me, I fought it. I craved the togetherness of my relationships. I don't enjoy being alone anymore. If I have to go out alone, I do it begrudgingly. I have evolved into the anti-loner.

And that's just wrong. Because I know deep down, that it's OK to be alone. But I have to give myself permission to be alone. Which is why this video really touched me.