My experience with Canadian cliches

Politeness - Yeah, I guess I'm a polite person, but I don't think any more or less so than another nationality. I've met some pretty uncouth and inconsiderate Canucks too.

Maple Syrup - Our family is crazy about this delectable sweet tree sap byproduct. Darlene especially prefers the real stuff over the fake corn-syrup based fakery sold in stores as pancake syrup.

Snow - I sure experienced snow growing up in the snow belt of Southern Quebec. Since then, I've lived in places with consecutively less and less snow by comparison.

Moose - Yes, I have seen a moose (in the wild) with my own eyes. I don't typically try to get close to them but have had a few cross my path while driving in and around the Rockies here. It's a little un-nerving to see something the size of a small car with legs cross your path, let me tell you. Also, I have a particular fondness of the moose symbology, as I am a volunteer with Loose Moose Improvisation Theatre, whose mascot and logo is a moose. Who doesn't love Bullwinkle either, am I right?

Igloos - Although it's a myth that most Canadians live in igloos, I have built one to live in  for a day as part of military winter warfare training. They're quite cozy actually. Snow is a good insulator.

Rob in Toronto - I actually DO know Rob in Toronto. But he's probably not the one you're thinking of (the one who (supposedly) smokes crack).

Calgary Stampede - Not only have I been to Stampede, I've been involved in support of the event (guarding the floats the night before the parade through downtown).

Hockey - The only sport I watch. I don't play it though. The Habs (Montreal Canadiens) are my team, through my years of living there and my absolute pride in their history and unmatched passion for the sport.

Toques - That's pronounced 'tukes' if you really must ask. I own two of them. One with strings dangling from the sides and a full balaclava.

Back bacon - I prefer regular bacon. With maple flavour. Or doused with maple syrup. The only thing I've ever put back bacon in is home-made baked beans.

Snow all year - Not quite. Having said that, I've seen it snow for a few hours in Calgary in late May. For reals. The rest of the summer we risk hail.

Poutine - We don't all eat it (not very healthy) but we sure do love it. My favourite poutine-related activity is criticizing places that think they serve the stuff. "That's not real poutine...."

Universal health care - Mostly. You can now pay to get faster or better medical service. This is my biggest pet peeve about modern Canada. We need to do away with these extra tiers of service before they get worse.

The perfect glass of water

How to prepare and pour the perfect glass of water.

It's not as easy as you think.

You're a zombie, Charlie Brown

Things I learned lately 29 June

• The public didn't buy many Microsoft Surface RT tablet computers, so now Microsoft is trying to pawn them off on teachers and schools. Currently, Microsoft only has a 1.8% share of the tablet market.
• There is a seven letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters, “therein”: the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, herein.
• The city of Brunete, Spain, tired of owners not picking up after their dogs, mailed the dog poop back to the owners. 20 volunteers patrolled the streets for dog owners who failed to scoop. They approached the guilty owner and struck up a casual conversation to discover the name of the dog. The name of the dog and the breed makes it possible to identify the owner from the registered pet database. The excrement was then packaged in a box branded with town hall insignia, marked 'Lost Property' and delivered by courier to the pet owners home.
• It has been proven that the cholesterol in your diet doesn't really raise the cholesterol in blood. In fact, eggs primarily raise the "good" cholesterol and are NOT associated with increased risk of heart disease.
• Google's self-driving cars have logged more than 300,000 miles accident-free.
• Brooklyn is home to the largest community of ultra-Orthodox Jews outside of Israel, with more than 250,000.
• Best name for a new business seen this year: Nothing Bundt Cakes in Austin TX.
• Costco's CEO earns $650,000 per year as salary. By comparison, Walmart's CEO earned $18,100,000 last year. Walmart's sales are down. Costco's are not.
• There were 15,000 sharks of various species swarming 600 feet from the beaches of Florida during spring break this year as part of an annual migration northward.
• The internal battery in the new (2013) Macbook Air has been seen to last as long as 13.5 hours on a single charge. That's insane.
• A TSA worker at LAX airport told a 15 year old girl that she was dressed inappropriately. Not only is this none of his business, the girl was dressed no differently than any other 15 year old girl. Her parents are taking this incident to the top. Power to the people.
• Citi Bike in New York City has only been operational for 30 days and it has already seen over 529,000 bike trips.

Securing Calgarians since 1994

Okay I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, but because I look a lot like cop, people scramble to put their seat belts on when they're near me. There's still a few people that don't really believe me until they see it in action. There are others who still maintain that it's just a coincidence. Well I have even more concrete proof that it's because of me. Not only did I see three drivers in a row scramble to put their seat belts on as they were passing me, two of them didn't even actually put their seat belt on - they just held it over their shoulder with their hand as they were going by. You only do that if you're trying to maintain the illusion that you're wearing your seat belt when in reality, you're not.

Shelved

Clever short about robot workers in a warehouse.

Wookie-do

An egg

You don't have to believe it. It could just be a good story.

"What happened?"
"You died."
"Are you God?"
"Yup."
"Oh. So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?"
"Neither. You'll be reincarnated."
"Ah. So the Hindus were right."
"All religions are right in their own way. Walk with me."
"Where are we going?"
"Nowhere in particular. It's just nice to walk while we talk."
"So what's the point then? When I get reborn, I'll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won't matter."
"Not so. You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don't remember them right now. Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It's like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it's hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you've gained all the experiences it had. You've been a human for the last 42 years, so you haven't stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here long enough, you'd start remembering everything. But there's no point doing that between each life."
"How many times have I been reincarnated then?"
"Oh lots. Into lots of different lives. This time around, you'll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540AD."
"Wait, what? You're sending me back in time?"
"Well, I guess technically, yes. Time as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from."
"Where you come from?"
"I came from somewhere else. There are others like me. I know you want to know what it's like there, but you wouldn't understand."
"Oh. Wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at one point."
"Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don't even know it's happening."
"So what's the point of it all?"
"Seriously? You're asking me the meaning of life?"
"It's a reasonable question."
"The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature."
"You mean mankind? You want us to mature?"
"No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater soul."
"Just me? What about everybody else?"
"There is no one else. In this universe, there's just you and me."
"But all the people...."
"All you. Different incarnations of you."
"Wait. I'm everyone!?"
"Now you're getting it."
"I'm Lincoln? I'm Hitler?"
"And everyone he killed."
"I'm Jesus?"
"And all of his followers. Every time you victimize someone, you're victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness, you've done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by anyone was, or will be, experienced by you."
"Why? Why do all of this?"
"Because someday, you will become like me. You're one of my kind. You're my child."
"You mean, I'm a God?"
"Not yet. You're a fetus. You're still growing. Once you've lived every life, you'll have grown enough to be born."
"So the whole universe is...."
"An egg. Now it's time for you to move on to your next life."

"Now a waiting room.... is just a room"

GE ad starring agent Smith from The Matrix.

Venture capitalism explained

Mr Muffin

The funniest songs that don't exist based on the the TV show Arrested Development.

• Song for Bob Loblaw
• I'm white, it'll be OK (the shoplifting song)
• Hot ham water
• Buy-curious
• The legend of frightened inmate #2
• Gene Parmesan
• The conjugal trailer
• Mr Muffin
• Cornballing in Mexico
• Light treason

(the album covers alone are coffee-snortingly funny, like Tobias - I'm afraid I just blue myself)

Eye test with a surprise

Try out this simple eye test and see how you do.

Uh, chicken? I have a question......

Internal alarm

If you ever wake up mere minutes before your alarm, you can thank a hormone named adrenocorticotropin. It functions as your internal alarm, being released several hours prior to expected wake-up time. Scientists believe that the hormone is released to deal with the “stress” of waking up. We have conscious control over this hormone too. People who were told they would be woken at an early time had higher levels of the hormone. So telling yourself you need to wake up early might be enough to prime your internal alarm.

CEO versus pawns

Chart showing the CEO salary versus the average wage of their employees.

Our flood situation

To give you a sense of how close to the action we are, here is a map of the evacuation zone in Montgomery. We are upstream from downtown. The evacuation zone is represented by the diagonal hash marks. That red square is our house, about 150m away. It looks closer than it really is, but you can see just why we we've been nervous. So far, we're good.

Reserved for James

This pic went viral last night after word of James Gandolfini's death. This is the booth from the last scene in The Sopranos. It was filmed at Holsten's Ice Cream Shop in Bloomfield NJ.

The shop was packed but the booth was reserved by the owner.

100 most used passwords

The 100 most frequently used passwords from the 'Rock You' list. If you're using any of these or have a password similar to these, you're really asking for trouble. In fact, whatever you're protecting with that password is probably compromised.

Karl tip: Passwords of less than 9 characters are not adequate. 11 or more please. Long pass-phrases are best.

Example: |tsjustafleshw0und = good passphrase (and quite easy to remember if you're a Monty Python fan)

To do list

✔ 1) Make a to do list

✔ 2) Check off the first thing on the list

✔ 3) Realize you've already accomplished 2 things on the list

   4) Reward yourself with chocolate.

Doctor Pooh

Banksy on advertising

"The thing I hate the most about advertising is that it attracts all the bright, creative and ambitious young people, leaving us mainly with the slow and self-obsessed to become our artists. Modern art is a disaster area. Never in the field of human history has so much been used by so many to say so little." ~Banksy

Nocte Lumen

A beautifully photographed night-lit time lapse of Quebec City in winter.

EXPO!!

This hangs in Alberta King of Subs in northeast Calgary. My mom also has this on the wall at home in Deux Montagnes QC. In case you're too young to recognize it (or not Canadian), it's a picture of Expo (Man and His World) in Montreal.

Things I learned lately 15 June

• The word “set” has more definitions than any other word in the English language.
• "Underground" is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters 'und'.
• In 1800, 3 days of travel from New York City got you to Providence RI. By 1830, 3 days got you to Burlington VT. By 1857, you'd get as far as Jacksonville FL. In 1930, you'd make it to Los Angeles (by railroad).
• High heel shoes were once in fashion for men. Louis XIV of France had quite the collection of 4" heel shoes. They were impractical, but for the aristocracy, that was the point.
• You can make an emergency candle that will burn for 4 hours out of a half pound block of butter and a rolled up toilet paper wick stuffed inside.
• In the Tesla Model S sedan, you can tell (using your voice) the car to play any song and it does, via the internet, using Slacker.
• You can rent the Hearst Mansion in California for $600,000 per month.
• Imagine a city forbidding un-related people from sharing a home in a residential neighborhood. That's what happened in Watertown, New York. 
• Every time your heart beats, it creates almost imperceptible (to our eyes) changes in your skin tone as blood moves through your body. As a result, it is possible to get a pulse rate by using the camera and flash of your smart phone on your wrist, and there are apps that do just that.
• There is a chocolate company in the UK that makes chocolates in the shape of a butt-hole. 
• If you want to use the song "Happy Birthday" in your film, TV show or musical act, you have to pay a $1500 license fee to the rights holders (Warner/Chappell Music). A class action lawsuit is being filed to challenge the ownership of the song. The current owner's rights to the song don't expire until at least 2030, assuming the US government doesn't extend copyright terms even longer before then.
• Canadian MPs and Senators are allowed to claim up to $89.95 per day for their meals. That's a tax-free benefit. They get this any time they're in the Ottawa region and while travelling.

Why self-driving cars (SDC) will be better

• It will take a lot of the stress out of driving in traffic.
• A computer can drive with more precision and react faster, preventing many accidents.
• An SDC will constantly be aware of the full 360 degree area around it.
• An SDC will be able to recognize when they're in someone's blind spot and adjust accordingly.
• SDCs can follow each other more closely, increasing the capacity of roads and freeways.
• SDCs will learn to recognize and avoid hitting pedestrians and cyclists.
• Accident rates and fatalities should plummet.
• The perils of drunk driving and distracted driving will become a thing of the past.
• Seniors will regain their personal mobility.
• A blind person would be able to own a car.
• Young people won't have to pay outrageous insurance rates anymore.
• Health and insurance costs should go down dramatically.
• SDCs should save fuel. SDC trains would create a slip-stream effect. Less drastic acceleration and braking uses less fuel. 
• Fewer stops and starts means less fuel.
• SDCs could communicate with each other and relay traffic conditions to oncoming cars to allow for dynamic re-routing.
• People who commute by car will gain hours each day to work, rest or enjoy multimedia.
• Car data could be used to efficiently manage traffic signals to synchronize the flow of traffic.

Distributed solar

Petra Solar is using existing utility and light poles to mount small solar panels to build a distributed, smart grid of solar generation. Why wasted large tracts of land to install solar panels?

New Facebook privacy options...

Top 10 little-known facts about Superman

[stolen directly from The Late Show with David Letterman]

10. "S" on his suit stands for "suit"
9. His father: Jor-el -- his brother: Pur-el
8. Works at the Daily Planet for the health insurance
7. Can't fly anywhere without connecting in Atlanta
6. Secretly enjoys dressing as Wonder Woman
5. Owes super strength to anti-aging clinic in Miami
4. On average day, three collisions with geese
3. Once sneezed and froze his dog
2. With phone booths disappearing, now changes in Starbucks
1. Once had to call doctor because "man of steel" lasted for four hours

Screen grab

Simon's cat is at it again.

Anyone with an expensive TV should be able to relate.

Diamonds are the world's best scam

As soon as you leave the jewellery store with a diamond, it loses over 50% of its value. North Americans exchange diamond rings as part of the engagement process, because of a stunningly successful 1938 marketing campaign by De Beers. Prior to this, people occasionally exchanged engagement rings, but it wasn’t a pervasive occurrence. Not only is the demand for diamonds a marketing invention, but diamonds aren’t actually that rare. Only by carefully restricting the supply has De Beers kept the price of a diamond high. The obligation to offer a diamond ring to your fiance only exists because the company that stands to profit from it willed it into existence.

Disclaimer: I did not give Darlene a diamond. She didn't want one at the time and also believed it was ludicrous to spend that kind of money on a token piece of jewellery. She did eventually buy one for herself, but sold it within a couple of years because she didn't like worrying about losing it.