What kind of stupid dog would dig during rush-hour?

Thanks to the jwalk blog for this pic.

We better start building ships

Astronomers keep finding new planets outside our solar system.

Fine. I want to know how long before we can expect trips to Fhloston Paradise...

I'm an engineer, not an actor!

James Doohan (Scotty) gets his Hollywood Star on the Walk of Fame. Thanks to blogging.la for the pic.

I went to see Mr. Doohan speak at Queen's University back in the 80's and he had some incredible stories to tell about life on the Star Trek set. He brought blooper reels too. Good times...

Paging Mr. Death...please pick up the courtesy phone

In case you were wondering how long you have left...

Welcome to the Death Clock(TM), the Internet's friendly reminder that life is slipping away... second by second. Like the hourglass of the Net, the Death Clock will remind you just how short life is.

Isn't it ironic?

So I'm surfing the net and stumble onto 'useless-knowledge.com'. Right smack in the middle of the page is an ad for DeVry Institute of Technology.

Is that not irony in its purest form? My apologies to anyone who went/is going to DeVry...

100 things about me (Hey - it's all the rage)

1. I currently live within 100 metres of the Trans Canada Highway.
2. I am the eldest of 3 children.
3. I'm a pretty good spellar. hehehe....no really.
4. I've only lived in 4 cities in my life so far. Montreal, Kingston, Edmonton and Calgary.
5. I like talking. I'm opinionated and outspoken.
6. I believe 8 hours of sleep is enough.
7. I prefer the city over the country.
8. I used to DJ in my spare time.
9. Many people who see me while driving scramble to put their seatbelt on.
10. My wife and I met at a party neither of us were planning to attend.
11. Very few people can spell my last name on first try.
12. I care what others think about me.
13. Although the risk is higher, I prefer honesty and frankness.
14. I am Canadian.
15. I've been smoke-free since June 1999.
16. I have an incredible wife. I think we're soul mates.
17. I have difficulty resisting good food.
18. I am a perfect candidate for testing new technology. Including cars.
19. I did inhale. Many times.
20. I'd like to fly a plane someday. Yet, I don't enjoy fair rides. Weird huh?
21. I believe in extra-terrestrials. I'd consider going with them if I were invited.
22. I abhor touching or putting stuff in my eye, which is why I'll never wear contacts.
23. I prefer tea over coffee.
24. I don't need to drink alcohol to have fun.
25. I've been accused of being pompous. Me!
26. I can cook and rather enjoy it.
27. I don't like the taste of beer.
28. I'm a marksman.
29. I'd like to operate my own music store.
30. I can sing (well at one time I could).
31. I believe everything happens for a reason.
32. I have no tattoos. Or piercings. This will not change.
33. My team is the Montreal Canadiens.
34. I love teaching.
35. Pink Floyd is my favourite band. Dark Side of the Moon is my album of all time.
36. The furthest north I've been is Alert, NWT, Canada.
37. Furthest east is the former East German border.
39. Furthest south is San Diego [updated].
40. Furthest west is Courtney BC, Canada.
41. I try not to judge people based on what others say.
42. I'm afraid of heights.
43. Best ice cream I ever had: peanut butter and vanilla at Seaside Heights NJ.
44. Born and raised in and around Montreal.
45. I can't swim. But I love the sound of the surf.
46. I discovered women at the age of 14 at Seaside Heights NJ. One of These Nights by The Eagles was playing on the boardwalk PA.
47. Coke over Pepsi anyday.
48. I believe people wear too much perfume.
49. I like cats.
50. I should have been an actor. I love an audience.
51. I am a Taurus.
52. My birth mother died when I was just a few days old.
53. I am a 'meat popsicle'. Hehehe - I love that movie.
54. I have a temper, but I think I've tamed it.
55. I often crave real chip truck fries.
56. I love thunder and lightning storms.
57. I've been surfing the web since 1994.
58. Comedy is an important part of my life.
59. I served 20 years in the military.
60. I've owned 6 cars and 3 motorcycles over my life so far. I drive a Mercedes Benz B250 [updated] at the moment.
61. I actually owned a Commodore Vic 20. (shudder)
62. I am a Liberal.
63. I have a great interest in city planning.
64. I don't celebrate birthdays anymore.
65. I met the only mom I know when I was 3.
66. I can make the 'live long and prosper' sign.
67. I freak out when people don't answer the phone, or alarms go off unattended.
68. Dogs love me.
69. I can recite the alphabet backwards very fast.
70. I used to think that because I didn't like salmon salad, I wouldn't like salmon. I was wrong.
71. I am pro-choice. I think birth control should be free.
72. I'd prefer a good burger to a steak.
73. I've dabbled with a synthesizer.
74. I find city lights just plain beautiful. And fireworks.
75. I love driving.
76. I don't understand suicide.
77. When I was 5, I could speak English, French and German.
78. I once beat a radio personality at music trivia.
79. My favourite drink is Bailey's on ice.
80. I like pie. Pie pie pie pie pie!
81. I don't like to wear jewelry.
82. I have a great sense of direction.
83. I like architecture and interior design.
84. While in the military (as a technician) I once did a paid tasking for a whole month as a bartender.
85. I download music - it's the only way to discover anything good.
86. I prefer paying cash.
87. One of my high school friend's mom dated William Shatner.
88. I'm very ticklish.
89. I can roll my tongue.
90. I type with two fingers.
91. My dad moved out when I was 18.
92. I was hoping we'd be a space-faring race by now.
93. I love music. Especially eclectic music.
94. My fave movie is BladeRunner. Vanilla Sky gets honorable mention.
95. I miss 70's FM radio. Not so much the music - the lack of crap commercialism.
96. I have quite an imagination.
97. I gave up on shampoo - soap on everything!
98. When I grow up, I want to be......aww who am I kidding? I'll never grow up.
99. I would love to visit Tokyo. And Australia.
100. I've decided to make this list a work in progress.

I knew it! George, you sly dog...

Industry insiders at Lucasfilm are predicting George Lucas, despite insisting he would never be lured into filming them - could be poised to make Star Wars episodes 7, 8 and 9. The follow-ups pick up where 1983's Return of the Jedi left off.

A posting on fan site Theforce.net says, "you might be curious as to why everyone at ILM just signed non-disclosure agreements saying that they will not discuss Star Wars episodes 7, 8, or 9."

Canada Post didn't notice either

A guy in Winnipeg gets his pension cheque automatically deposited into his bank account, authorizes automatic withdrawals to pay his condo fees, phone, etc. If he dies, how long does it take for someone to notice? In this case - 2 years. Link

Ummm, nurse - how did I get this bruise?

Themorningnews.org has an article on Tricks of the Trade, where for every occupation there are some secrets that only those people are aware of. Case in point:

Nurse

Patients will occasionally pretend to be unconscious. A surefire way to find them out is to pick up their hand, hold it above their face, and let go. If they smack themselves, they’re most likely unconscious; if not, they’re faking.

Zefrank is ze bomb

Take some time to check out www.zefrank.com.

I don't know where this guy gets his inspiration for half the stuff on the site. There is a lot of stuff to play with. Some of my faves include 'Predate', "Red Alert', "Do Not Call', there's just so much to see and do!

Got any plans for that mister?

This just in....

Costco is going to trial the sale of metal coffins at one of their Chicago stores.

That's gonna look funny in the checkout line...

Forget Norway!

I double-dog dare you to check out this flash cartoon, then try to get this funky song out of your head. Kenya.....Kenya....Kenya....Kenya!

It's not just for diaper rash

I just thought this is funny.

Thanks to J-Walk blog.

I swear it really happened!

The mind is a very powerful instrument and so is our imagination. Years ago, I recall reminiscing with my family about things that happened when I was a kid. While we all got a laugh out of some of the stories, there was one incident in particular that prompted an unusual reaction. They argued that this scenario I was recounting never happened. I looked at them as if they were crazy and they were looking back at me the same way. They made it clear that no such event took place and over time they backed up this assertion with comments from other family members who played a role in my memory of the adventure. I found this odd, because I remember it so vividly.

Many years passed and I finally came to the conclusion that I must have dreamt the whole thing. How bizarre that something that only occurred in a dream could leave such a strong impression as to be mistaken for fact. Things that make you go hmmmmm.

OnStar transcript that didn't make the commercial

OnStar: Hello, OnStar.

Customer: Hey, so, I got an important package in the trunk, but I think I locked my keys in with it when I was dispatching…er…loading it.

OnStar: Not a problem, sir, I’m unlocking the trunk now.

Customer: [sound of trunk opening] Whooo…Jesus, that stinks!

OnStar: Are you OK, sir?

Customer: Yeah, yeah. I just got to get rid of this package as soon as possible. Say, can you give me directions to an abandoned quarry, or maybe some remote wooded spot where I could leave my package?

OnStar: Sure thing. I’m showing that there’s an empty shaft at an old silver mine three miles southwest of your location.

Customer: Perfect! That’s great, perfect. I’m going to need a car wash, too. Someplace discreet, if you know what I’m saying.

OnStar: Absolutely, sir. You and OnStar are speaking the same language.

Thanks to John Warner, Themorningnews.org

Star struck

On one visit home to Montreal, Darlene and I stayed at the Delta hotel during the Just For Laughs Comedy Festival. The Delta is the headquarters for the festival so we knew we'd be seeing comedians in the hotel - and we did. On the morning we were checking out, we got to the elevator on our floor just as Kevin Pollock, John Candy and his family were coming down the hall toward us. I opted to wait.

Being a huge SCTV fan, I had always wanted to meet John Candy. When he got to the elevator, his assistant invited us to share the elevator with them, after a nod from John. Needless to say, I was in another world. Here I was in the same elevator as John Candy. I was so lost in the moment, I had no idea what was happening in the physical world around me. So I was completely oblivious to the fact that the elevator hadn't moved, even though many seconds had passed. Oblivious that is, until John looked down at me and said, "I think your bag's in the door". Our luggage was blocking the elevator door, preventing us from going anywhere. My face drained of all colour and I pulled the suitcase out of the way.

Once we were off the elevator, Darlene said she was going to check out. I nodded and said I was going to try and get Mr. Candy's autograph. I followed John and his family into the gift shop and approached him for his autograph. He said "sure" and asked if I had a pen. Not having one, I dashed to the cashier of the shop and tried to get her attention, but she was too busy chatting on the phone. So, not wanting to let John slip away, I grabbed a pen off the counter and ran back to claim my prize.

I still have that autograph - he signed my parking stub from the hotel.

Mmmmm......fatty food.....

I used to love Kentucky Fried Chicken. Now I refer to it as Kentucky Fried Poultry-Flavoured Grease Sponge. Just in case you wondered why I don't like it much anymore.

I recall that when I was still living at home, my mother and I both indicated our preference for the skin over the chicken itself. We would have both been happy with a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken Skin. Th%s# dzyyz I yh9nk s8ch a 6r0duc7 wuldz do f1nb...

Awwww geez, my drool is shorting out the keyboard again.

This is why you'll need a new PC

If you want to see what the next generation of game graphics is going to look like, check out this link. This is amazing.

No passport for you!

Being the worldly traveller that I am (in my dreams), I have to have a passport. Last winter I had to get mine renewed at the office downtown. I was not prepared for the scene I was about to witness.

When you arrive to process a passport application, you need to have a number of official documents, many signatures from important people and let's not forget the passport photo. The passport office has a pre-screening lineup that you have to go through before you can get in the regular lineup. This is so you don't waste anyone's time in the regular lineup if you are missing an important piece of the puzzle. Such as, you forgot a signature, or you don't have proof of citizenship, or your photo isn't quite right. People literally stress-out in the pre-screen lineup, hoping they have everything that meets the screener's scrutinizing gaze. It's like being in an old Communist bread line, hoping you get your ration before they run out - assuming they like the look of your face. Now I understand the requirement for having the correct paperwork, but the thing that always puzzles me is the deal with the passport photo.

The background in the photo has to be a certain colour and hue, you can't be smiling, your ears have to show, your head has to fit within a certain area of the photo, no drooling, no piercings, you must have eyebrows, no toupees, no zits, your teeth can't be abnormally white (OK, I made some of those up), it's really quite specific. Some people were turned away simply because the photo didn't meet the pre-screeners criteria. Even I was warned that the top of my head might be too close to the top of the photo. So here I am, sweating it out in the regular lineup, waiting to see if the passport staff are going to reject my photo (forcing me to get another one at my expense). When I finally got my turn, I approached the subject with great delicacy, since this person serving me had the ultimate power to reject my application for any reason. I boldly asked, "If the photo has to be so perfect, why don't you guys take the picture yourself?"

That's when I blacked out. Darlene says I was gone for days, but the next thing I remember, I was on a bus headed home, some homeless guy snoozing on my shoulder.

Nurse injured trying to flag down shuttle

There is a major hospital here (Foothills) that does not have enough parking for all of its staff. In fact there is a waiting list of people hoping for a parking spot some day. In the meantime they ruthlessly prowl the 'hoods surrounding the hospital for a spot in front of someone's house. Many parts of these 'hoods have resorted to permit parking to prevent others from occupying the spot in front of their house. Not long ago, the hospital made a deal with a property 12 or so blocks away, to allow for a couple hundred spots worth of overflow parking. Drivers would get a shuttle bus from the property to the hospital. This costs you $45 a month.

Recently, the deal with the property must have been cancelled, as you can no longer park there. So for the $45 a month, the hospital suggested you could try to find parking in the surrounding 'hood, try to intercept the shuttle bus while it drives a specific route, and hope to catch a ride to the hospital. The hospital said not to worry, this would only be a temporary measure until the Children's hospital parking lot is completed in a year or so. Then people could park at the Children's lot and get shuttled to Foothills.

When the Children's hospital actually opens and their own staff and patients/visitors need to park in their own parking lot, Foothills staff........well, they never got to that part yet.

Must not move! Must remain still!

This is Taz, a cat we used to have. Doesn't this pic remind you of E.T.? We made this pic into a Christmas card one year.

Birds not so dumb

In Japan, carrion crows and humans line up patiently, waiting for the traffic to halt.

When the cars stop, the birds hop into the street and place walnuts on the road. After the lights turn green again, the birds fly away and wait for vehicles to drive over the nuts, cracking them open. Finally, when it’s time to cross again, the crows join the pedestrians and pick up their meal.

If the cars miss the nuts, the birds often hop back and put them somewhere else on the road. Or they sit on electricity wires and drop them in front of vehicles. The crows in Japan have only been cracking nuts this way since about 1990. They have since been seen doing it in California.

Networking - by AC/DC

Back when I taught part of an IT program, the Director of the school suggested tackling the subject of networking. If you know anything about networking, you also know it is one of the dryest topics to learn about - real drool-inducing stuff. Just mentioning the words 'OSI 7 layer model' are enough to cause some peoples' eyes to start drooping. So when I was teaching networking, I tried to liven things up a little.

One of the more obscure and abstract topics we covered involved data structures - you know: packets, what they're made of, yada yada. I was describing 'preamble' when I had this epiphany. Somehow, the song 'Back in Black' by AC/DC came into my head and I suddenly realized that the beginning of the song was a brilliant example of a preamble. You know, the drum beat sets the timing for a specific number of beats, then there is a change in the sound of the beat and finally a definate pause indicating that the actual 'song data' as it were was about to begin. So here's Karl using an AC/DC song to explain what a preamble was - the students looking at me like I'm some kind of alien freak.

Man, I love teaching...

Music at the speed of my car

The first car I ever owned had a tape deck that was synchronized to the speed of the car. It played normal at 80km/h. At 40km/h it sounded like Leonard Cohen, at 120km/h it sounded like the Chipmunks. If you did brake stands, it sounded like AC/DC.

So that's why I avoided putting the car in reverse, I didn't want to hear any satanic messages...

Alcohol + nudity = D'OH!

Message to the young adults in Camrose Alberta (or anyone else planning a streaking event):

If you're going to streak, don't get so drunk that you forget where you put your clothes. This makes it much easier for the police to find you.

Schools need an overhaul

I was involved in a discussion of classroom sizes today. Teachers say they are too big. Others in the discussion didn't agree. They argued that the problem wasn't really class size (which they claim hasn't really gone up much), but student attitudes.

Well, I don't have a politically correct solution for that, but I have an idea how to give teachers more time for one on one with the students that need it. I think the students who have the ability to do so should be allowed to learn on their own - at their own pace.

I had a chance to do that in grade 6 and at least half of my class had the whole year's material finished by December. So we were given grade 7 material to try. It was a great experiment, but it sucked having to go back to the status quo in grade 7, learning the same material and at a much slower pace. It's no wonder I lost interest in school over the next 4 years.

I also don't think it's appropriate for students to have to choose a scholastic profile, where you have to specialize in a specific genre of subjects. Very few students in high school have any real idea what they want to do next. So why not give them a chance to try as many different things as possible. To take some of the pressure off, since they will do well in some subjects, but not others, we could set it up so that a student only had to excel in 6 out of 8 subjects or something like that.

I would like to see more corporations get involved in the search for and grooming of students for the careers they have the most aptitude for, by sponsoring (paying for) their post-secondary education on the condition that they contribute so many years to that company. There are too many smart kids passing up University and college because they can't afford it.

No cash, no cheque, no service

Earlier this year Darlene and I returned to Oregon, this time to visit the coast and maybe get in some beach action. Yes I know the ocean water is quite cold still in early summer - by beach action, I basically mean strolls in the sand. I only need to see and hear the surf, I don't need to be in it.

Anyway, there were 2 things about our stay in Oregon that I wanted to pass on to you folks, in case you've never been there. Firstly, Oregon has no such thing as 'self serve' at their gas stations. Every station is 'full serve', I think it is some kind of employment initiative (anyone who knows different can correct me in the comments). That takes a little getting used to, as I'd much rather fill the tank myself - I don't know why, I just do.

Well, in one town in Oregon, the gas station we stopped at had an additional quirk. They didn't take credit. That's right - no credit cards! Now I heard the kid who filled my car tell me this, but I guess some other poor soul never heard the announcement. He had gotten his van filled up and had gone inside to get some munchies and pay. When he pulled out his credit card they told him no credit. He was in shock. They told him he could pay with a personal cheque, cash, debit card - just no credit card. He didn't know what to do and I never stayed around long enough to find out how he resolved the situation, but it was obvious he didn't have the cash on him.

Here's my e-mail...gotta go - my cat is on fire

Humanity continues to find new and some might say twisted ways to use technology.

In one example, let's say you are constantly being hit upon by losers, but you're too polite to let them down hard. Now when they ask for your e-mail address, just happily give them [yourname]@papernapkin.net (or [yourname]@paamail.com if that's too obvious). When they send their first e-mail to you at that address, they'll receive an automated rejection letter as a reply.

In another example, you might find yourself in a situation where you need to escape - like a blind date, or a boring day at work. Cingular Wireless offers "Escape-a-Date," one of Voice Connect's line of information services. "Escape-A-Date" allows you to schedule a "rescue" phone call at a pre-set time. The service will call you and tell you exactly what to say to set the stage for an escape. Here's an example:

Hey, this is your escape-a-date call. If you're looking for an excuse, I got it. Just repeat after me, and you'll be on your way: "Not again! Why does that always happen to you? ... Alright, I'll be right there." Now tell 'em that your roommate got locked out, and you have to go let them in. Good luck!

The bigger they are, the harder they will fall

Message to all LCD monitor manufacturers:

As you read these words, you will begin to feel relaxed. You will feel verrrrry relaxed. You will start to feel a little sleepy. You will think about how expensive your 19 and 21 inch LCD monitors are.......and have a sudden urge to reduce prices on them.................drastically.................just in time for Christmas...............prices will fall....................like big..............falling things. When I count to 3 you will feel very good about yourself - and you will not remember this conversation. 1............2.............3

Boy, this Christmas is going to be soooo great! Hee hee!

I'll have the really hot chicken thighs..I mean wings!

I don't know what it's like in everyone else's neck of the woods, but here in Calgary we suddenly have a lot of 'pubs'. I'm not talking about regular neighbourhood bars - I mean actual pubs.

I have a theory. I don't think this preponderance of pubs has anything to do with our sudden fondness for British cuisine as much as it has to do with mens' appreciation of short tartan skirts.

Sort of like 'Hooters' for leg men...