Confide at your own risk

Overheard in the mall today:

One teenage girl to another: "By the way, you're the only other person who knows that, OK?"

Not for long.......not for long.

Number one or two?

OK, so what exactly does this mean?

1. It could mean you can pee in the sink, but not poo.

2. It could mean guys can pee in the sink, but not women (note the apparent mammaries).

Qu'est que c'est?

What is this? Answer as a comment and be specific.

I will give the answer in due course.

Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we will trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you what number to press.
If you are depressive, it does not matter which number you press, no one will answer you.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.
If you have a short term memory loss, please try your call again later.
If you have low self esteem, hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

Canada quiz

How well would you do in a quiz on Canada? Click here to find out, eh.

Hack this!

Music bosses have unveiled a revolutionary new recording format that they hope will help win the war on illegal file sharing. Nicknamed the 'Record', the new format takes the form of a black vinyl disc measuring 12 inches in diameter, which must be played on a specially designed 'turntable'. "We can state with absolute certainty that no computer in the world can access the data on this disc," said a music industry spokesman. "We are also confident that no-one is going to be able to produce pirate copies in this format without going to a heck of a lot of trouble. This is without doubt the best anti-piracy invention the music industry has seen."

So corny I had to post them

Knock knock.
Who's there?
The interrupting cow.
The interr--
Mmooooo!

Q. What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A. A carrot!

Have you heard about the international restroom? When you go in, you're Russian. While you're inside, European. And when you leave, you're Finnish.

Q. What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?
A. Eileen.

Q. What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg longer than the other?
A. Irene.

There should be a law

There is a fashion trend that's been around for a while now that has to stop soon. I'm probably not qualified to be telling anyone how to dress, but this particular fashion statement is a bald-assed lie. I'm talking about low rise jeans - on women.

There are probably a lot of people who want to tell you this, but are afraid to hurt your feelings. I don't suffer from this failing so I'm gonna give it to you straight. Low rise jeans look awful. Worse, they make you look awful. They take what would be a feminine butt and make it look like a boy's, complete with ass-crack and everything. That's not what you want, is it?

An extension of yourself

Which file extension are you? Take this quiz to find out. I'm mp3 - but you already knew that, didn't you?

Maybe it's Maybelline...

I'm prefer the natural look over tons of makeup any day - but the after and before pictures from this makeup school are something else. Choose the 'gallery' link once you're at the site.

Frozen in time...

Yes, I know - I haven't posted anything in days. I was away. Company business took me to Kingston Ontario. This is where I spent 15 years of my life in the military and where I met Darlene. I was looking forward to going back if for no other reason - than I would likely run into many old friends from my military days. This was almost gauranteed because the Branch of the service I served in (Communications & Electronics) was having their re-union. It sure was nice to see these people. In particular, I found out by chance that an old buddy of mine was living there again. His nickname is Squid. His last name is Squires. You do the math...

I was a bit disappointed in Kingston. Many of my favourite places to eat or hang out were gone. The city has not seen much growth in the ten years I've been gone. What a contrast to Calgary. There was a time when I was naive enough to imagine that Kingston was 'it' - that I was destined to stay there forever. Little did I know. I realize that some people love the place - and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm just doubly glad I got booted out of there (long story - military career planning) 10 years ago.

No soup for me!

Have you ever seen things in stores in the US (or other countries) that you wish they sold here in Canada? For me, I'd like Campbell's to sell these 'Soup At Hand' things in stores. They'd be great for work - no need to find a bowl. I think Darlene would like to see Reese's Nutrageous chocolate bars.

How about you? Seen anything you wish were in Canadian stores?

Update: These soups are available in Canada now. My fave is the creamy tomato.

Stupid cinnamon buns...

I have one thing to say to the owners of places like CinnZeo - You're EVIL! Evil I tell you...

Wear what you feel

I'm a sucker for good t-shirt/bumper sticker slogans. Yeah we've all seen the trendy, geeky ones: 'I don't work here'; 'I read your e-mail'; 'Got root?', etc. There are a few that have recently caught my eye, new to me - and no, they are not politically correct.....

• Dyslexic agnostics - there is no dog
• (On a biker babe) I'm the bitch
  
• (On the biker) If you can read this, the bitch fell off
• I've got nothing against god - it's his fan club I can't stand
• I give evolution two opposable thumbs up!
• I'm not totally useless - I can be used as a bad example!
• Sarcasm - It's only one of the services I offer
• Cancel my subscription - because I don't need your issues
• I do whatever the voices in my wife's head tell me to do
• I run with scissors
• Dyslexics of the world untie!
• Please tell your boobs to quit staring at my eyes
• Dip me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbians!
• I'm not anti-social - society is anti-me
• I don't understand why I haven't gone blind yet...

Some of these are available at WickedJester.

Change through first-hand experience

I have an idea - I've had this idea for a long time, but I just remembered it. Better late than never.

If the City's administrators and politicians think our transit system is nothing to complain about, they should put their money where their mouth is. I challenge all of the above mentioned people to take transit to work for one whole week - in the dead of winter. Then we'll see if they think the system is just fine the way it is......

Election Rhapsody

OK, I've been holding off posting the numerous spoofs regarding the US election - but this one is just too damned funny to pass up.

Who's to blame?

Regarding our submarine debacle - the next few months will determine who is to blame for the fire that injured many and killed one submariner in the Canadian Navy. I blame the government. There is no reason why we should be buying used military equipment like we were a third world country - except that we fund our military as if we were a third world country. Having served 20 years in said military, I have seen enough to substantiate that remark. Case in point - did you know that when our soldiers were sent to Quebec from Alberta to help during the ice storm, we had to wait days for airlift from other countries to get us there? Nuff said.

Big business steamrolls another little guy

A business that recycles old Sport Walkman housings into iPod cases has been bullied into shutting down after Sony accused them of:

clear infringement of the SONY and WALKMAN marks because it is deceptive. Consumers likely will be misled and deceived into believing that Sony is somehow connected with the iPod personal stereo when in fact it is not. Moreover, they will be misled into thinking that Sony is backward in its design of products and is going away from miniaturization, as the size of the tape player housing is quite large by today's standards.

Yeah, I guess anyone still using an old Sport Walkman is giving Sony a bad name too. People - throw out your ancient technology. I suppose Sony has no problem with their old technology piling up in land fills versus being recycled.

Oh yeah - don't be using your backpacks to carry your laptops either kids. The laptop manufacturer may accuse you of insinuating that the laptop is so huge it needs to be carried in a big-ass backpack........bad for business.

I'm gonna mess you up

The last movie to mess with my mind (in a good way) was Vanilla Sky. I guess the whole alternate reality thing is something that fascinates me. The soundtrack rocked too.

Well, Vanilla Sky now has a contender - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Messed me up good. Nice work...

Behold - the white stuff

Today was our first snowfall of the season. We are getting off lightly based on the original forecast. What's really strange about this weather is the fact that most people I've spoken with are actually looking forward to the snow. After a wet, cool summer you'd think people would be madder than hell about an early preview of winter.......go figure.

You're named after what!?

Sometimes I stumble across music trivia that I find intriguing. Like the origins of band names. For example:

10CC - from the metric total of semen ejaculated by the average male
3 Dog Night - from an Australian expression describing low nocturnal temperatures in the outback (the colder the night, the more dogs needed to keep warm while sleeping)
B-52s - from the Southern slang for the mile-high bouffant wigs sported by their female singers
Crowded House - a reflection of their living conditions in LA
Devo - from their concept of "de-evolution" -- the idea that instead of evolving, mankind has actually regressed, as evidenced by the dysfunction and herd mentality of American society
Everything But The Girl - from a sign placed in the window of a local furniture shop, which claimed "for your bedroom needs, we sell everything but the girl"
Foreigner - due to Mick Jones being the only non American in the band
Guess Who - when the Expressions (as they were known before) recorded an album, its record company listed them as "Guess Who?" on the jacket, hoping to fool buyers into thinking that the British Invasion influenced music was actually by a more famous group in disguise
Kraftwerk - German for power station
Luscious Jackson - from a '60s basketball player for the Philadelphia 76ers
Pink Floyd - from the first names of two ancient bluesmen Pink Anderson and Floyd Council
REM - settled on the name after flipping randomly through the dictionary
Steely Dan - from a dildo in William Burroughs' Naked Lunch
Tears For Fears - from Arthur Janov's primal scream therapy

More Flash genius

If you are into great web design and want to see what can be done with Flash animation, check out the Flash Film Festival 2004 NY entries.

Even kids could get this...

Remember School House Rock? If you do, you'll get a real kick out of this send-up. Thanks to Boing Boing.

Music industry out-bullied by Wal-Mart

Wal-Mart wants every CD you buy to cost less than ten bucks (in the US). Wal-Mart has quietly emerged as the US's biggest record store, now selling an estimated one out of every five major label albums. Wal-Mart willingly loses money selling CDs for less than $10 after buying for around $12. Bargain CDs to lure consumers to the store. Less-expensive CDs are something consumers have been demanding for years. But now Wal-Mart is tired of losing on the CDs. It wants the record industry to lower the prices. Wal-Mart hinted that they could reduce CD stock in favour of more lucrative DVDs and video games. The music industry is worried because if Wal-Mart cut back on music, industry sales would suffer severely while Wal-Mart's shareholders would barely bat an eye. While Wal-Mart represents nearly twenty percent of major label music sales, music represents only about two percent of Wal-Mart's total sales. "If they got out of selling music, it would mean nothing to them," says a label executive. "This keeps me awake at night."

Read whole article

Hosers from a lost age

Here's a couple of characters I miss. Good day, eh?

Keep your eyes on those fries...

There's a relatively new restaurant in town called The White Spot. No, not the White Spot that Calgarians might know from the last couple of decades, the one based in British Columbia. Anyway, they have some good food - their burgers are pretty fantastic, but the thing that really drew my attention and made me a loyal new fan was their home fries. Well my friends, I fear this honeymoon is over. We went for dinner there a couple nights ago and the home fries have been replaced by frozen. I can only hope that this was an anomaly, an aberration, a huge mistake due to the potato peeler being broken or something. Otherwise, The White Spot may have just lost a valuable customer.

Oh no! A surplus! [scream]

You know, in my house - if we had predicted a $1.9 billion surplus and at the end of the fiscal year we ended up with a $9.1 billion dollar surplus - we'd be really happy about it! But that's just me...

Grab life by the ovaries

Dodge owners are perhaps showing their feminine side...

These could be practical

Leave these cards with the......ummm.....asshole who did something.......uh.....asshole-like. The back of the card explains why they have been branded an asshole. With choices such as:

• Creating your own parking space
• Not tipping
• Leaving kids in car

There's even a blank spot to put an unlisted infraction. At US$7.50 per 10 pack, I'm thinking......this could be the best Xmas present you ever got me!

Mmmm...........twenties....

Have you seen the new $20 bill? It is a superb specimen of technology and has some very cool security features.