Small things 14 Jul

• Don’t let the ants get into the antacid. They’ll be trippin’ balls.
• When you call ‘shotgun’ but the kidnapper still puts you in the trunk.
• The person in charge of HR at my work who is the one who escorts you out of the building when you’re terminated drives a big black Escalade. People call it ‘The Hearse’.
• Why doesn’t shampoo maker Head and Shoulders have a body wash called Knees and Toes?
• ZIP drives. The AMC Gremlin of data storage. Oh, you’ve never heard of a Gremlin? That’s kinda my point.
• You don’t realize how hard you chew until you bite your tongue.
• “Sci-Bi” - You like both Star Trek AND Star Wars.
• Remember the 90s? When bread was still good for you and nobody knew what kale was?
• Maybe I misunderstood, but human beings doing the hard jobs for minimum wage while robots write poetry and paint isn’t the future I was expecting.
• “It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.” Are we positive Schrodinger didn’t write that?
• Having a little nap on the couch before going to bed for the night: a snors d'oeuvre.
• Am I to understand that a butcher knife is way more butch than other knives? No, it’s called a butcher knife because it’s wielded by a butcher. What makes the butcher so butch? The knife.
• Sometimes you send an email hoping they don’t respond for a few days.
• I have the body type where if you were to offer me a cookie and I said “No thanks, I’m trying to cut down,” you’d give me that look, like “Sure you are.”
• This is how you win an argument: “How dull for you to live your life without any hills to die on, you, on your vast flat barren plains of compromise, acceptance, and accommodation, while I reign supreme over the lush, rolling highlands of stupid shit I have irrationally chosen to stake my entire identity on.”
• It’s not written ‘in’ stone, it’s written ‘on’ stone.
• Laziness is such an ugly word. I prefer selective participation.
• You think about the silent movie era, thinking about how silly the word "talkie" is, and then you’re forced to consider, for the first time, the word "movie".